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                       I, Mary Magdelen
                      by Juliet Thompson
                 New York: Delphic Studios, 1940

+1

ON THE GREAT DAY, the piping of a shepherd woke me at dawn.
     I sprang up alarmed, for the shrill notes came from just
below
my casement and Novatus still lay beside me. Praise God, he was a
sound sleeper!
     Ah, I know who this is, I thought. How dare John seek me out
here ... and at such an hour! Is he playing a trick to anger
Novatus
with me? Or has he no sense at all?
     I cast an anxious glance at my lover's face, so comely in
its
swarthiness that for a moment I lingered. That dear head on the
pillow ... the clustered hair curved to his temples, fitting
their
breadth in dark angles; the upturned crescent of the brow; that
mouth ... a quivering wound ... the long oval cheeks flushed with
sleep ...
     Again a high not- fluted from the garden.
     This piping must stop, I thought. And I slipped from the
couch, snatched up a robe to cover my body and tiptoed stealthily
to the casement.
     "John! Novatus is here. Do you wish to bring trouble upon
me?
I would not anger or hurt Novatus if you could give me the whole
world."
     The shepherd lifted his eyes to me, liquid eyes, burning
madly
in their large orbits, and now there was a great flar.e in
.hem ... which vexed me.
     "I can give you better than the world, Mary. I have a better
gift for you this day."
     I leaned through the casement. I stretched forth my hand.
     "Give it to me quickly then."
     "But it might take long for you to believe me."
     This was too laggardly and I frowned as I leaned lower.
     "If it is something to be told, tell it quickly."
     "In a word then ... Messiah has come! I have seen Him, Mary.
I
want you, too, to see that beauty."
     Now John, these past six years, by one means or another, had
sought to disturb my happy life, for he deemed it sinful.
Wherefore
I laughed, to tease him..
     "Is He as beautiful as my beloved?"
     John's smile glistened.
     "Ccme and see!"
     Over his shoulder as he turned to go he whispered his last
message: "On the mount above the city, a' sundown. You can trace
h-m by the multitude that follows."


     "Come and see." "Come and see." All day the words rang in my
heart ... a bell, waking the Hebrew woman in me, the child of my
mother, calling up memories ... 

+2

     A little dome shaped house on the shore of Magdala. A woman,
death written upon her, a young maid at her knee, and a shepherd
lad of the Essenes, the beautiful John of Capernium. The woman,
my
beloved mother, reading to us from a scroll. Again I could hear
John Say: "Truly, from all these signs and dates, Messiah is
due."
And then my mother: "Remember, John, He will come, not as a
warrior, not, as the people think, to deliver Judea from Rome,
but
as Enoch's Messiah, the Lord of the Spirits, the Messenger,
descended from a high realm to 'free the whole earth from fet'ers
of darkness.' Yet ... remember, too, the warning of Enoch, that
'Men
will believe the Lord to be one with themselves and will see not
the splendour wherewith God hath clothed Him' ... till too late."

     Novatus himself could not have kept me from the mount that
night. Not that I yet believed John's words, but ... if he spoke
the
truth ... no woman of Israel could let Messiah's day pass her by.
     I had never deceived Novatus, wherefore I told him frankly
of
the shepherd's message at dawn. This I had feared to do and it
took
a load from me when he laughed.
     "A pastoral?" he mocked, with lifted brows and a flicker of
fun on his lips. He could look so droll, my dear one! Then, as I
urged him to go to the mount with me, emboldened to do this by
his
good mood: "Go yourself, my Mary. Sit with your prophet under
your
tree! His wisdom, "he deigned to say, "I shall hear later from
you.
I prefer it from your sweet mouth."
     Had I but left it at that! I know not what madness it was in
me that day that robbed me of all my arts. To my beloved Gentile,
general of the Roman legions in Judea, half-brother to Rome's
philosopher, Seneca, I quoted our scriptures to prove our
Messiah.
In the end, and wearied, he broke forth: "Oh, abandon such
follies,
Mary ... prophets and prophecies, visions, miraculous persons.
Why
must the world always have its gods ... crutches to lean upon,
from
one trivial phase to another, never comins out into anything


     At sundown I climbed the hill behind Tiberias, below me the
roofs of houses, black steps to the sea; above, on its pine-clad
crest ... a rabble! Drawing nearer, I saw their rough beards,
their
coarse mantles. They were busily chattering ... like maspies.
thought: "He is not yet here. And ... is this John's multitude?
This
the following of the Messiah ... of the Lord of Spirits?"
     Then through the rabble strode John, and I saw he was
searching the road, and also ... because of the fire in his eyes
and
his gravity ... that it was not for me he searched. But as I
climbed
among the rocks, my yellow tunic so bright in the sun that none
could fail to see me, his look singled me out and he came to me.
Silent, he took my hand and led me through the midst of those
ill-
smelling ones, who now turned hundreds of curious eyes upon me,
to
where, upon a stone, two women sat. And as I approached these
women

+3

whose faces, framed in the lengths of dark veils, glowed with an
unearthly light, I crossed the boundary of a new world.
     John turned first to the taller of the two, the one with the
strong and high-boned face, but with a mien so gentle it seemed
to
give forth fragrance.
     "O holy mother," thus he addressed her, so that I knew her
at
once as the mother of Him I had come to see, "this is my friend
from childhood, Mary of Magdala. And this" - now John spoke to
me,
but looked toward the other younger woman, who was small, her
features chiselled so fine that light seemed to filter through
them, her lips moulded in a secret smile - "this is yet another
Mary who has come hither from Bethany to be near the Lord."
     They rose. Each took me in their arms and kissed me, and it
was as if I had been kissed by angels. And when again they seated
themselves, I, Mary of Magdala, known as a sinner, sank to the
ground in my fine linen to sit upon clay and stubble at their
feet.
     And there I asked of the mother what name she had given her
Son and she told me His name was Jesus.
     He came not by the road, but, all unexpected, through the
olive grove. Nor could I have seen his approach from where I sat,
with my back to the grove and my eyes lifted to His mother's
face.
     Now this mother rose.
     "See! The Lord," she said.
     I turned. Coming forth from the olive grove, thrusting aside
a branch that He might have free passageway, strode one so mighty
that my heart cried out, King of Men! Lion of the tribe of Judah!
I spoke in my heart, for no word could I have uttered.
     And yet ... was this "the Lord of Spirits," ... this strong
man,
this man of vigourous body, of hawk-like face? True, His head
stood
erect from His spine with a majesty greater than that of any
king.
True, in that hawk's face the brow was moulded to inerfable
compassion, and above the hollows in His heart-shaped cheeks
splendour flashed from his eyes. But He was flesh and bone and
blood, clad in rough homespun, and His sandals were soiled from
the
dust of the road. Heated by the climb up the steep mount, He
thrust
back his head-cloth from His sweating forehead and, under its
akal,
twisted up His hair at the neck. And as I thought on these
things,
He stepped forward with the restless tread of a lion. and His
glance
fell on me ... and pierced me like a sword. Then I knew that from
such eyes nothing in the heart could be hid. Shamed, I looked
awzy,
but His steadfast gaze drew my eyes back to His. And my heart
took
fright at their holiness and the unearthly love that shone in
them.
     Ah! Who could this be but the Lord of Spirits? Who else
could
press upon the mortal heart such a weisht of love as its frailty
could not bear? Of a nature too high for the little heart of
desire?
     Once more I turned away, rejecting this love. Regally, He
passed.
     He ... oved to a clearing where stood a tall pine tree,
beneath

+4

which He seated Himself. And there for a little He sat in
silence,
upright and still, while the hushed people gathered around Him.
And
when all were assembled He turned His face toward them and I saw
it
lit with an enchanted smile.
"Are you happy?"
     And as He began to speak I heard a voice swinging as to
music,
with a sound even as the wind of unknown source. He was full of
grace and winning, for the while He taught He gestured not as the
rabbis, with pointed finger, but with hands outspread, palms
upward, in sweet persuasion.
     Of peace Jesus spoke, the peace of the kingdom of God, which
He told us was the true peace. But He said this peace could be
established even in the kingdom of our earthly world. For as
bronze
when brightly burnished reflects the radiant sun, so the heart of
man if it be untarnished can flash to earth in one moment the
Kingdom of God and all the glory thereof. And as I harkened to
His
words, wings in me spread for flight.
     Now He rose to his feet and paced that circle of people,
holding speech with them one by one. And I saw with what meekness
each waited his turn, with hands crossed on the breast and bowed
head, or with eyes full of tears lifted to his Lord's face.
     To some He spoke jestingly. To a haggard woman who stood
with
a young maid beside her, He said:
     "Are you pleased with your daughter, O Leah? Pleased now?
When
next you have to complain of her, come and complain to me and I
will do the chastising!" And He bent on the maid a tender
mirthful
look.
     Like to a boisterous wind He was in His laughter, and witty
phrases fell from His lips. And again I said within myself: Can
this be the Lord of Spirits? He is man. Such a man as I never
beheld, but man.
     Now He drew nigh to His mother and Mary of Bethany and me.
And
His mother and Mary fell on their knees in His path. But I ... I
stood struck to stone. Wherefore He passed me by with but a
merciful smile. And my heart grieved for that He had passed and I
yearned for a word with Him.
     He turned to go down the hill, twelve men following Him. And
I saw from the back His swaying gait, the strong tramping of His
feet, the restless might of His body and the grace of His
garments
wrapping it as He strode. And r thought: Lion in the cage of
flesh!
Lower and lower He sank on the rocky levels, till a turn in the
path far below snatched Him from my sight. And I was aware of a
great loss and that the hill was stark without Him.

+5
           II

     BACK TO THE VILLA I hastened, eager to tell Novatus, should
he
still be there, that in the man Jesus was a greatness worth his
seeing. But having repented my folly of the morning when my zeal
had wearied my dear Roman, I would leave it to him now to speak
first.
     I found him reclining in the portico waiting to sup with me
and we went together to the triclinium - a pleasant place, cool
and
pillared and built of white marble. Black panels were frescoed on
its walls and in each a Bacchante soared with a cup. Novatus
himself had designed this dining-hall, wherefore it had
beauty ... which he loved.
     Now, as we sat at the table, I waited from one course to
another for my lover to ask me concerning Jesus. Then, since he
asked not, I thought: It is because the slaves are here. Later he
will surely question me, if for no reason save that he is
curious ... or, mayhap, a little jealous.
     But out in the portico again he did but fondle me. Twining
my
hair through his fingers:
     "Your hair is spun amber, rollicking in curls. Your face ...
"
he uptilted it ... "a luscious fruit. Your eyes? They are Sybil's
eyes. Can you read me the future Mary? Nay, you need not, for I
know it! Your lips ... .your lips ... pomegranate wine ... " And
he
played upon me as if I were a harp and he a deft musician.
     Now when morning was come I found myself greatly torn in
spirit. The mount overshadowing my villa seemed to have taken on
life and to be brooding, conscious, above me, a centre for the
diffusion of unearthly fragrance which reached me as a gentle
breeze and drew ... drew me. My heart burned to return to its
summit,
but for Novatus' sake I dare not. Last night when I had hasted
him,
eager to tell him of Jesus, he had disdained to hear, and in his
silence I had caught a warning. For the first time I felt the
bondage of his love and I chafed against it, for to seek Jesus
again had become my utmost need.
     This man Jesus ... He was too much man to be Lord of
Spirits ... still ... a chain had been forged betwixt His
greatness and
my nothingness, and through that chain ran a power that pulled me
back to Him. Moreover, I knew not yet ... and this I must know
... if
Jesus were indeed Mesiah, or some false prophet to be forgot ...
put
out from this heart that was now so troubled by him. Could I but
see Him once more! Could I but ease this heart tonight ... !
     In the cool of the day Novatus was ever with me; her,ce to
slip
from the house in secret would be well-nigh impossible, even, had
such been my wont. I saw but one course: to be frank with my dear
lover and tell h m I wished to go to the mount again and beg that
he go with me.
     And so, as we rested in the colonnade after our mid-day
meal,
I led up to this artfully.

+6

     Concerning greatness, I asked: How was it that some were
born
to it, their natures so compounded of it that they shed a glamour
about them and their very destiny seemed charmed, while others
for
all their striving could attain not to this heaven-born thing?
     He looked on me in his world-weary way.
     "Greatness is all outside of life and not in it, Mary."
     "Ah, that cannot be dear one. In all that befalls even if it
be not good, I see a thread of beauty."
     "No," he laughed, "life is a round of jests. Mary, we
but thin soi} and something is ever occurring to
prove this to us. Rock covered with thin soil."
     "Novatus, I have thought that even as in the womb the babe
forms eyes and ears and all that it needs for use when it comes
forth, so we have hidden within us another sight and hearing and
new virtues, the use of which we know not in this world."
     "But I am speaking of this world."
     "Can we not get above this world even while we are in ,t?"
     "Mortals are not gods! Nay" - and he sighed - "we are
shallow
vessels ... of clay. Nothing enters in very deep and nothing very
wonderful happens. Even tragedy is but the result of something
being ill-timed."
     "8ut yesterday, my Novatus, when I saw Jesus I did see
greatness. To me He was like to a mountain catching the sun's
first
rays. I would have you see this too, beloved. For my own part I
long to make sure if He be verily Messiah. Will you not take me
to
Him tonight?"
     "Nay, Mary, tonight I must be busy. But you ... you go. You
need
me not," he laughed, "A prophet can do no harm."

     Thus once more I came to Jesus on the rocky summit, in the
midst of His multitude. Again He was seated beneath the pine
tree.
Again I saw that mighty head, those eyes like to jewels in deep-
hollowed settings, that smile - a heady cup. Again I heard the
chime of His voice:
     "Grace and welcome unto you. Are you happy?"
     So wedged were the people together that I could find neither
John nor those two women who had seemed like angels. I was
swallowed up in the crowd and it stank around me and some men
spat.
I felt a little sick. Then tall men pushed to the front of me and
Jesus Himself was shut from my view.
     Now He began to speak. He told us the meek were blessed, for
they should inherit the earth; the merciful were blessed for they
should obtain mercy; the pure in heart were blessed ... they
should
see God ... and those whom men reviled for that they believed on
[sic] Him, those were greatly blessed and their reward was in
Heaven.
     And walled up in that roughness and those stale odours, and
wretched and faint with sickness, I said in my heart:
     What is all this? Meek creatures never inherit anything! The

+7

merciful obtain not mercy. To my slaves I am too merciful so that
they flout me. Novatus, when young, had great merciful thoughts
towards the common people in Rome and for this he well-nigh lost
his life. And who can see God? Has not a prophet said that were
we
to look on Him we would die? Moreover, the slandered, the
persecuted ... it is foolishness to call these blessed. Are they
then
never to have peace on earth and naught but a reward in heaven?
What indeed has this Jesus to offer but trouble ... to such as
would
follow Him? This teaching is a gloomy thing. His face must have
cast a spell on me last night, for now that I cannot see it, I
like
not his words.
But words still harsher fell on my ears.
      "Every man that looks on a woman to lust after her has
already
committed adultery with her in his heart ... "
      "If your right eye offends you, pluck it out and cast it
from
you."
      I would hear no more! This Jesus was much too stern in His
judgement for me. Pluck out my eye, indeed ... or ... pluck out
my love
for Novatus from my heart! Was this then adultery between him and
me? Nay, I knew it was not. And my Novatus was kind in judgement.
I remembered words of his of a ge.,tle charity for which I had
loved
him the better as he spoke them: "All these poor creatures who
come
our way, come with their excuses hanging around their necks."
      I edged through the crowd and climbed down the hill alone.
Yet, as I slid from rock to rock, my heart was heavy and sore and
I felt bereft, as one who has lost a great treasure.

+8
           III

     TO THE MOUNT I went no more. And soon Novatus and I were on
our way to Jerusalem, where oft his duties held him for the space
of months, and where, on the Mount of Olives, I had a villa -
given
me by my beloved.
A sweet villa this, I called it my "House of the Sportive Loves,"
for the friezes along its walls on golden panels were of rows of
playful cupids, tipping scales in a merchant's booth full of
sealed
packets, up to mischief with bows and darts, or marching with
gifts
- looped garland of flowers, urns of clustered fruits.
     The villa was old, built in the days when Rome first
occupied
Judea. On a stone at its entrance was inscribed "Salve" - relic
of
a more hospitable owner, for Mary of Magdala had but one guest.
The
floor of the atrium, tiled in black and yellow was worn from the
passing of many feet, and at its center a pool gleamed, bordered
by
myrtle. My chamber was paneled in scarlet and painted with
landscapes and birds, and masks tragic and comic, and its
hangings
were of Tyrian hue. It looked on an unkempt garden where cupids
in
marble stood out against cypresses and cedars, and a fountain
like
to a small silver tree blew in the midst. I loved my villa well.
     And here now Novatus and I revelled in unclouded
happiness ... though times there were when Jesus strode into my
thoughts, whereupon I quickly let down a curtain to shut Him out.
     And then one night I dreamed.
     In my dream I stood on the mount above Tiberias with an
invisible one who whispered to me: "He is coming." Then I saw
Jesus
midst the olive trees. And now His garments were white and
glistening and His face like unto a lamp. And the invisible one
said: "This is a Beauty to die for."
     Awaking, I marvelled at the dream, and again my heart was
sore
troubled by Jesus, and again I felt that chain and the power
flowing through it.
     Once more I dreamed. In this second dream I was a captive in
fetters, walking behind Novatus' chariot, my feet bleeding on
cobble-stones. Then this picture vanished and I saw another.
Here,
deep in a bottomless chasm, I was climbing the rough stones of
its
wall toward crags open to the sky, affrighted and weeping ...
when
wings swooped down upon me and flew with me into a golden void.
And
I saw, standing upon the air, a great Being in shiny robes,
having
the face of Jesus. And while He looked steadfastly on me, with a
love that glowed and swelled upon me even as light swells forth
between bright clouds, He drew from the folds of His robe a white
veil and laid it upon my head and wound it about my cheeks and
throat, and His fingers stung me where they touched. And when I
awoke from this dream, my head and throat still tingled.
     Now I felt a madness to see Jesus. Yet to Novatus I dared
not
speak of this. A knowledge in my heart forbade me. And times
there
were when fear smote me. For should this man in Galilee who could

+9

draw my soul across miles to Him, who, while still in Galilee,
had
looked on me out of the sky ... should He be verily Messiah, what
choice had I but to follow Him? And should my beloved not follow
with me ... I dared look no further.

     Now I dreamed these dreams, one upon another, on the eve of
starting with our household for Tiberias. It was then late
spring.
     The camels were loaded and at dawn one day our caravan set
forth, my dear lover and I in one litter, borne by the slaves.
     A fair land is Palestine, all but shadowless in the morning
light. The colours of its bosom are all pale ... pale henna, pale
grey, pale brown, pale green and the soft yellow of maize ... the
thick pebbling on its hillsides, white.
     We jogged through Judea, peaceful beneath its vineyards,
guarded by round watch towers. We came to the hill country, where
strange mountains rise, striped round the summits with ridges of
chalk white - having the look of coiled serpents - and, where
farther mountains, low-lying, tawny, like unto great crouched
beasts, mark the boundary of Samaria. We went on past Shiloh and
by
nightfall reached old Shechem, wedged between two hoary
mountains,
the Mount of Blessing, the Mount of Cursing. There we rested at
the
caravansary, and, in the morning, set forth again.
     The henna-coloured tents of the hills of Galilee soared into
view, .hen 'he round summit of Tabor, like to a rising purple
moon
above a low spiking of crags; and by starlight we looked from a
height on the ruffled sea of Galilee.
     Now I was in Tiber.as, but where to find Jesus I knew not.
None had told me where He dwelt. John's home was in Capernaum,
but
of him I could not ask, since I would go not in secret to him.
There was naught to do but wait till by some happy chance news
reached me.
     Then one day as I stood at a both in the bazaar I saw Mary
of
Bethany in the distance treading her delicate way among -the
pedlars, who shouted up and down the vaulted street, their
baskets
of wares on their heads. Touchir.g my wrist with her fingers and
looking on me with eyes full of light, she said: "This meeting is
blessed." And at that touch and look my heart was strangely
stirred.
     "Does Jesus still speak on the mount?" I asked of her.
     "Yes, He is here again, Mary."
     Now when I went to my villa and joined Novatus in the
peristyle I took my courage in my hands and spoke out boldly to
him.
     "My love," I said, "Jesus is here and I am going at sundown
to
the mount. Would you not ... "
     But he shook his head.
     "The Proconsul expects me at sundown. I will return and wait
here for you." Then he added with banter in his tcne, bu' a stiff
smile Gn his lips, "I thought your prophet displeased you that
last

+10

time."
     "I wish to assure myself, Novatus, for truly this is no
light
thing," I said. "You have heard many times of our Promised One.
Think on this promise, I beg of you. For should you come to
believe
in its truth and find that Jesus fulfilled it, that great hope of
your youth would also be fulfilled. More than fulfilled. Your
hope
was to see the true glory of Rome restored, the virtues of the
great republic. Messiah is to restore a world!"
     "Mary, this is but a built-up dream. As for my own early
dreams" - he spoke sadly - "I have long since come to see that
man
is a hopeless product of ... we know not what, save nature, and
the
existence of the gods but a concoction of his own mind."

+11
            IV

     SO AGAIN I CLIMBED alone to that summit. rlow I chose
another
way, that I might avoid the multitude, and thus came out upon the
hill-top with my face toward the people. Wherefore it was a
simple
thing to find the mother of Jesus and Mary of Bethany. As on that
first day they were seated on a rock apart from the others, and
again I sank to the ground at their feet.
     Jesus had begun to speak. Today He sat not beneath the tree,
but with that straight majesty, hands clasped at His back, He
moved
to and fro before the people, His speech flowing forth as a life-
glvlng shower.
     Love, He said, was the greatest law in this vast universe of
God. It beat betwixt the realities of all things. It beat betwixt
the stars. (He took up a pebble and held it out on His palm.) It
beat betwixt the particles in this very stone and made of the
stone
a solid. In the inner world of spirit it was like to a waving sea
and the cares of all men's hearts as drops of the sea. In the
inner world it was the bond joining creator wi.th creature. But,
alas, the stranger ... the little self ... had usurped the hearts
of
most men and sealed them against this inflcw of love. Whereas
God,
the Friend, had chosen the heart to be His own home. Earth and
heaven were as His garden, but the heart of man His
dwelling-place.
Should His love reign in any heart, imperishable power would
radiate therefrom. This was eternal life. And when such life
quickened all men and the love of God linked hearts ... even as
it
linked the stars throughout the firmament, the atoms in this
little
stone ... then verily would God's kingdom appear in the mortal
world.
And the King Himself would be manifest in the midst like a
resplendent sun.
     And He ended thus, while my heart became drunken as from a
goblet of strong wine: "A moth loves the light, though it burn
his
wings. Though he singes his wings he throws himself into the
fla-me.
He loves not the light for that it confers benefit upon him. He
loves it for itself alone. Wherefore he hovers around the light,
though he sacrifice his wings."
     Now the while Jesus spoke I had observed a youth nearby,
standing apart in a clearing, his eyes, gentle as a doe's, fixed
upon that holy face. Oft had I seen this youth in Tiberias, and I
knew him to be a prince of Israel. A strange figure he made
against
the dingy rabble. The fillet binding his head cloth was of gold,
his tunic of a rich s,.riped st.uff and he wore gold bravelets on
his
upper arms. And no sooner had Jesus ceased than this youth came
quickly toward Him, and standing with modest mien before Him,
said:
     "Good Master, what shall I do to have this eternal life?"
     rlow Jesus had stretched forth His hands and seized the hand
of
the you'h in a firm grip which He relaxed not the while He
answered, and I saw that His eyes were full of great ccmpassion
as
He loked down on the prince.

+12

He said:
"If you would enter into the life, keep the commandments."
"Which?" asked the youth.
     "Thou shalt not kill," said Jesus, and His voice rang as in
a
chant. "Thou shalt not commit adultery. Thou shalt not steal.
Thou
shalt not bear false witness. Honour thy father and thy mother.
And
thou shalt love thy neighbour as thy self."
     "But," said the youth, raising earnest eyes to Jesus, "all
these things I do observe. What lack I yet?"
     "Ah-h!" smiled Jesus, "if you would be perfect, go, sell
what
you have and give to the poor, and you shall have treasure in
heaven. Then come and follow me."
     Will he do it ... oh, will he do it? My dream came back to
me,
"This is a Beauty to die for." And i leaned forward in my
eagerness
and watched the young face closely. Which would he choose: - to
keep his poor bauble ... nay, (for the choice meant more than
this)
to keep friends and kin? Or would he dare cast all aside for this
eternal love and life that now stood in human form before him?
Which ... which would he choose? It seemed I scarce.could bear
this
sllence.
     The eyes of the prince fell before the steadfast look of
Jesus, who smiled the while He waited. Then shame overspread the
youthful face, as of one who knows not what to say. And sadly he
turned about and went.
     Now when he was gone, Jesus came first to those of us who
stood near - twelve men and we three women - and in His eyes was
so
great a sorrow that it seemed I saw God sorrowing.
     "It is hard for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven,"
He
said. "Verily it is easier" ... and He smiled again, albeit
faintly,
"for a camel to pass through the Eye of the Needle. "
     "But who then can be saved?" asked one of the twelve men.
     And another: "Did he not say he observed the commandments?"
     Jesus looked upon these and gently answered:
     "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are
possible."
     Now a third man spoke up.
     "We have left all and followed you. What shall we have?"
     And this speech affronted me, for I thought: Who gives,
g7ves
and asks nothing.
     But Jesus took up the words with mercy and a promise whereat
I marvelled, having seen and heard such men:
     "In the day of the Re-birth, when the Son of Man shall sit
on
the throne of His glory, ye also shall sit upon twelve thrones,
judging the twelve tribes of Israel. And everyone that has left
for
my sake homes or brethren or sisters or father or mother or land
shall receive an hundredfold and shall inherit eternal life."
     I whispered in His mother's ear:
     "Might I speak with Him in secret?"
     Ah, He could-have my life! Tonight I would fling it at His

+13

feet. One thing alone would I ask ... that my lover might wake to
the
knowledge of God and belief in Him, the Messiah. Messiah ... had
I
said the word? Well, now I knew ... knew beyond doubt. Yet how
had I
passed to this certainty, that Jesus was Messiah?
     I would pray then tonight at Messiah's feet that Novatus too
might throw his life to the winds to serve the Promised One with
me. Had not Jesus said that very day that with God all things are
possible? And this were not wrong to ask. Nay, it was but the way
of love that prayed not for self alone. Moreover, what a great
servant would Jesus gain in Novatus ... he who was called "the
golden-tongued" and who wielded such power in Rome. And my
Novatus
was not as this other prince, for when he gave ... he gave all.
Free
and fearless was Novatus, and by nature, as well as birth, noble.
     The mother and I found Jesus restins in the house of a
believer. In a white-walled chamber lit by a flickering taper He
lay on a mat, His head pillowed on His arms. His eyes were closed
and and that high-boned face, framed by the black bands of His
locks, was still as death. The mother led me softly in and we sat
on the floor for a long time, while Jesus stirred not. But the
air
in the room was astir! It was as thoush ncense burned there and
an
invisible life pulsed all about me. And I know not whether Jesus
slept ... or prayed. And as I sat, my eyes fixed on His pure
profile,
I became aware that this dancing life was entering into me and
that
it was opening my heart. I felt my heart open like to a rose in
sunlight. Then I felt a sunbeam stab it. My hand went to my heart
and I sighed and closed my eyes. When I looked again ... lo!
Jesus
had risen and was standing above me, gazing down. And now my
opened
heart burned as He gazed. He smiled and held out His hands to me.
     "Welcome! Welcome!" He said. And His tones were so tender
that
my tears sprang.
     I crept to His feet and knelt before Him, for now I knew
that
I was at the mercy-seat. And shameless of my tears, shameless of
aught that was in me, I threw back my head and gazed up at His
beauty. Wherefore my veil fell to my shoulders, leaving all my
hair
uncovered. Then Jesus, smiling, stooped and said:
     "I will cover your head myself, my daughter."
 And with fingers that thrilled me where they touched, he wound
veil about my cheeks, my throat.
 "O Rabboni," I cried, "'his ... 'his is not the fi.st time ... "
 "Nay," He smiled, "verily this is not the first time ... nor yet
last."
 Now so awed was I before His mystery that I bowed my face on
feet. And again from above I heard the tender tones:
"What would you ask of me, Mary? Speak to me."
A new desire burned within me, burst into flame in my
heart ... and I knew I should find no rest till I had died for
Him.
     "In another dream, O Lord, I saw your face and a voice said:
'This is a Beauty to die for.'"
     Fire flashed from His eyes.

+14

"That was a true vision and you shall see it again."
"Then I may die for you?"
     I looked up to behold Him - His hands raised in blessing
above
my head, His face uplifted in prayer, His eyes closed, His lips
apart. Then He held my head against His heart ... and I, Mary
Magdala, heard the heart of Jesus beat.
     "For this," He said at last, and I knew He meant the offer
of
my life, "you are accepted in the Kingdom. Go now. I will send
for
you. "

+15

     IT WAS LATE to be alone in the streets, dark and deserted at
this hour. I sped through a labyrinth of narrow ways, flanked
crookedly by black houses, and, timorous thoush I was, a song
sang
itself in my heart as I ran - "I will send for you. I will send
for
you. "
     Ah, when would He send for me? Must I wait to be summoned
ere
I taste again the new wine of His presence? Was not the mount
free
to all? Might I not follow with the multitude - unsummoned? I
asked
not to be seen or heeded by Jesus ... only to see, to heed, only
to
breathe the air He breathed. Mayhap ... when Novatus heard what I
have to tell tonight, he too would go ... .
     Novatus! I spoke the name aloud. I stood still in the
street.
Till this moment I had forgotten him! And ... that prayer: that
my
dear beloved wake to the light of this new day and share the love
of its Sun with me ... my heart had been full of it when I sought
Jesus. So much had hung on the granting of it ... great
issues..our
very happiness ... how could I have forgot that prayer? Why ...
Jesus
Himself had minded me of it! Had Y.e not said: "What would you
ask
of me, Mary?" He had given me leave then to ask what I would, and
I could think of naught else, with His glory shining down upcn
me,
but that I would die for such divinity. As I uttered those words:
"Then I may die for you?" - my mind, my will spoke them not. Nay,
they upwelled from depths unknown within me, called forth by that
Mystery smiling on me throush the lips and eyes of Jesus. And He
had accepted my life, even unto death for His sake. Had I then
taken a step ... never to be re-traced ... away from my beloved?
Alone
in this dark alley, free of the magic of Jesus' presence, my
heart
still burned to die for Him. But could love like to this part me
from Novatus? No, ah no! Jesus was kind!
     Before me at last stood our villa, its marble in the midst
of
palm trees pale blue in the night. And, as I approached the gate,
I saw Novatls emerging from it.
     "Mary! have been hunting the whole mount for you. Gods but
it is good to have you back, unharmed."
     His arm around me, we entered 'he atrium. In the lisht of
the
lamps he turned me about and with a keen look searched my face.
And
I saw that deep in his eyes were points of torment.
     "Ah, Mary, the fear I had lost you made this clear to me,"
he
said: "I would rather lose the whole world."
     "Lose me, O beloved," I cried, smitten to the heart by his
words and by that look. "Am I then separate from you to be lost?
Nay, we are so interthreaded, you and I, fibre with fibre, that
there is no such thing as you and I, but to me ... only you."
     We turned our steps toward the triclinium. Now surely, I
thought, he will ask the reason of my delay and thus start meon
my
wondrous tale. But again he deigned not question me; nay, when we
were seated at our late supper, both reclining on the one couch,

+16

rather he increased his ardor, spent his full charm in witty
cajoleries, smiling upon me ... and when Novatus smiled it put me
in
mind of a great song. Yet though he jested, still in his eyes
flickered those points of torment. And as ever I admired my lover
for that he could mask his heart so well.
     "There are three things that cannot be hid" - his tender
game
plumbed mine - "a man on a camel, a woman great with child,
and ... love"'
     And when I cupped his face in my hands and kissed him:
     "Oh, Mary, you are love itself. To kiss your lips
worship in a temPle."
     And though I know well he worshipped in no temple, I also
know
he spoke as a poet and his words were sweet to me.
     From Novatus came in waves the strength and seduction of
warm
earth. With his winged black brows, those eyes of blue fire, that
mouth like a crimson wound, the fine lips prone to quiver when a
rush of feeling shook his firm control, he was, as none I ever
knew, disturbing.
     We went and reclined in the atrium, its columns rising high
above us; on the frescoed walls, Trojan battles and Odyssean
victories. And the spell of my lover and the spell of Rome stole
like a sleeping-draught into my veins. That face above me ... so
hungry ... in its dusky cap of circlet-bound curls, weighed down
upon
me, a focus like to a burning-glass of all human love and
passion,
blott,ng out (alas, how could it be?) - the holy majesty of
Jesus.
     "See what I have brought you, Mary," and Novatus pressed
into
my hand an alabaster tear-jar from which exuded a fragrance as of
flowers at dawn. "Nard for you, beloved," he whispered, "nard for
your sweet body tonight."

     On the morrow Novatus sought me, bringing news. A matter of
great urgency, he said, had recalled him to Jerusalem. Would I
make
haste to pack? We were to journey on camels as speed was
imperative. Wherefore, when sur.down came, I found myself far
from
that hallowed mount in Galilee. The sun set for me that day
behind
the bleak Samarian hills.
     We broke our journey at Shechem to rest for the night in its
old caravansary; as I lay in a great vaulted chamber, pressed to
my
lover's heart, in the dark I heard him whisper;
     "My whole life centers in you, O Mary. Without you, I exist


     Alone with him I loved above all earthly things, but bereft
of
that unearthly One who had opened to me the gates of another
Kingdom ... what was this new loneliness?
     I no longer dared speak Jesus' name, for once when I dld,
Novatus had muttered an oath beneath his breath. Wherefore, for
the
first time, I had a life separate from my beloved, a sweet secret
- world wherein I would hide to worship my Lord. And Novatus
sensed

+17

this and feared and hated it.
     Oh the pity of that blind fear! Now I but loved him the
more,
with a quickened passion, tenacious as it had never been, and a
deeper, more poignant tenderness. For now I understood those
words
of Jesus, "I will send for you." From Galilee to Jerusalem would
He
send - I knew not how soon. And when such a call should come,
what
could I do but obey it, though it tear me forever from my
beloved?
     Here, verily, was a cause of fear, had Novatus but known it.
But this too I must keep hid from him, a guilty secret, gnawing
at
my heart, clutching it now and again with a grip so fierce that I
thought at such times I was dying.
     Could I but prove to my poor Novatus that my love for the
holy
Jesus had naught to do with human love, but was in a realm apart,
like to the worship of God, ;he burning of incense in a temple.
This foolish, impious jealousy was no more than an evil dream.
Could I but wake my beloved ... while there was yet time!
     Opportunity slipped with the passing days. At last I dared
wait no longer to speak out the truth though against the barriers
of that stubborn will, I know not how I should reach him.
     One night as we sat in the porch, looking out on a dusky
wall
of cedars and cypress trees, while my fountain tinkled in the
starlight, Novatus being in a tender mood and sitting with an arm
around me, I ventured upon my theme.
     "Dear one," I whispered, "no word you have ever said to me
is
forgot. By your words my mind has grown. And once ... we talked
of
tragedy. This, you said, was but the result of something being
ill-
timed. But what of the scars of tragedy on the heart?"
     He stiffened, for he knew me as I knew him.
     "They are never very deep. Take the emotions. Though the
relation be the closest, the loved one is certain to be replaced
by
another if all things go not well."
     So ... he would threaten me!
     "Should aught go wrong between us, Novatus, there would be
none other for me. And naught would go wrong if you would but
hear
me. Jesus ... "(at the name his lips curled; he withdrew his arm
from
my shoulder) " ... Jesus to me is Messiah, whom one loves not
with
body but with the soul."
     "You cannot, Mary, divide yourself up in this way! Mind and
body are one whole. You deceive yourself, my child."
     "Oh, listen, Novatus! Open your mind. Try, try to think with
the Jew. One thing wherefore I have loved you is your sift of
sympathy. Why withhold it ... now ... from me?" Think of the
faith I
imbibed even with my mother's milk. Consider this: I have been
schooled all my life in one great Expectation, the coming of the
Messiah, and all my life this Expected One has been as a living
Person to me and I have loved Him ... as I loved God. Long ere I
saw
Him living in Jesus I loved Him. I look upon Jesus not as man,
Novatus. To me He is Lord of men, the holy Messenger of God, sent
down upo earth with great power to free ths cruel, benighted age

+18

from its fetters of darkness."
He had heard me thus far with cold impatience; now he broke

     "Fetters of darkness! The Hebrew mind has a morbid twist,
Mary. And I wonder that your Greek blood from your father,
philosopher that he was, rises not up against this. We live, dear
child, far removed from a dark age. Ours is the age of
enlightenment, an age of clear thinking, science, art. The arts
of
the Muses, the sciences of construction, such as the past never
knew, whether it be the construction of temple or circus,
aqueduct
or government. All this ... and this, I maintain is light ... the
civilization of Rome is spreading throughout the world. Rome may
be
power-mad but she builds in untrodden places. You are vague, my
Mary. Define 'Darkness.'"
     "I think conquest is darkness, O Novatus. I think war is
darkness."
     "But through conquest, I repeat, Rome is spreading
enlightenment throughout the world. And war is essential to the
strong nation. Without war the nation becomes, like the Greeks,
effete."
     "I cannot argue on such things beloved. But I will tell you
another form of darkness. It has come to me that even love may
weld
fetters of darkness."
     I know not why i spoke such words unless from the
carelessness
of despair. They struck fire frcm my poor Novatus.
     "What is this fantastic strain in your race to which it
falls
easy prey to rebels whom you call prophets? Ar.d you of all
others,
Mary. What would you do midst a dirty mob, trailing a vagabond?
What would you do without roof or bed, crawling into some cave by
night to sleep on clay ... this delicate raiment" - he pinched up
a
fold of my tunic - "shredding into ra-gs? Nay, think you I would
brook this while I lived? There are ways, my Mary, to guard you
from yourself. Rome has small use for rebels."
     I met his eyes unafraid, and at this the anger went out of
him. Pleading stole into his voice.
     "Mary, mistake not for lust that which is love. Love to me
is
that awe wherewith one regards the sac,edness of another's
person.
And it is this I feel for you. Mary ... till I met your
loveliness I
had never known anything but lust. But when I saw you, a flame in
you burned through my hard fibre and - if you would know the
truth
- woke in me something I cannot name; you might name it spirit.
That day I found you ... darling ... so young, scarce more than a
child ... alone in the door of an empty house, weeping for your
dead
mother ... ."
     "Ah, yes, that day when you came down the path to water your
horse in the sea."
     "That day, my child. I know that never till then had there
been any reality in my life. Yes, what you call spirit, I call
reality. And reality to me is what I can touch ... feel."

+19

     His face yearned upon me. In pity and passion woven together
in too strong a mesh, I yielded to his formidable love.
     Now I knew the full cruelty of my fate; that my heart was
caught in a strait betwixt two giant loves which were as enemies
one to the other. My passion for this dear Roman I could not
uproot. My love for Jesus was a quenchless flame. In the nearness
of Novatus the human love overwhelmed the divine. The face of my
sc
earthly lover blurred the memory of the immortal face. The touch
of
the human hand, the human lips, I would crave. And times there
were
when the echoes of that promise, "I will send for you," would
drive
me, defiant, to the broad breast of Novatus to seek protection
there, in the bosom of this blinded creature, against a too
jealous
God.
     Shamed was I in my soul. For one who would throw away life,
was I not holding fast to mine?

+20
           VI

     RECLINING ONE DAY in my peristyle alone (for Novatus was
gone
on an Prrand to Tiberias), I was meditating on a dream, my heart
swallowed up in fear as I re-lived it, lest it be a prophecy.
     In my dream I stood wrapped in a blue cloak beneath the
great
arch of the Fish Gate in Manasseh's Wall, looking out from its
mouldy shade into the glitter of noon. With jewelled hand I
clasped
my veil. I faced Jerusalem. The rows of white houses enclosing
the
market-place, glaring in the sun, dazzled my eyes. Of a sudden
Novatus appeared in a doorway; then crossed the square quickly
towards me. He wore a red tunic banded with purple and the golden
circlet on his head ringed it with fire. His hands were out-
stretched; his face eager. I waited, my heart full in my throat.
     The dream changed. Now my lover had entered the gate, but,
alas ... and I knew not what this meant ... he was striding past
me,
seeing me not, robed for a journey in toga and white mantle, his
profile set and cold as marble. Fear laying low my pride, I cast
an
anguished glance behind me, to see him in a green meadow, hand in
hand with a woman. Her face I could not see, for she too was
wrapped in a cloak ... a crimson cloak, the colour of
wine ... or ... blood. It seemed to me I died in my dream! I all
but
d ed now as a I brooded on it.
     Then it was that Mary of Bethany came. At the sound of steps
I turned. My little Greek slave stood at the door, and in the
portico, Mary. Her presence brought with it a breath from another
world. Her chastity seemed to rebuke me.
     She came and sat at the foot of my .eclining chair, silent
while she fixed me with a long gaze. Tears of compassion shone in
her eyes which, like to her mouth, had ever a secret look, as of
one who knows and veils a mystery.
     "Mary," she breathed at last, "the Master has sent for you."
My hand at my throat, I stammered:
     "But Novatus is away."
"This is your opportunity."
I liked not the words, though it was she that spoke them.
"To run away would be cowardice," I said.
"It is your only chance to escape."
"How poor a creature then you think me!"
"I know your too tender, yielding heart."
I turned from her. I rolled in anguish. I bit my pillow.
     "O God," I whispered, "to be stronger, that what I must do I
might do nobly."
     "The Master knows all things," she said, and now she moved
closer and knelt beside me and laid a soft hand on my hand.
"Today
this word came from Galilee for you. And the moment of obedience
is
the moment when the Lord speaks."
     I rose and unclasped my jewels, princely gifts from Novatus,
and they dropped, a flashing heap, at my feet. I stopped then and

+21

gathered them and took them away in their casket. But even as I
shut them from me, my eyes fell on my jar of nard. I snatched it
to
me heart. A breath of ineffable fragrance escaped its broken
seal.
With swooning senses I drunk of its spice,
remembering ... remembering ... . Essence of our rapture bottled
in a
tear-shaped jar ... . No, I could not, would not leave this! If I
must be exiled from earth ... dear earth! ... I would take into
heaven's aridity with me this memory-evoking nard. But I hid it
from thoe secret eyes of Mary.
     We started on our journey - oh, immeasurable journey, from
him
who was the whole substance of mortal love to me, unto the Lord-
God-with-us.
     Mary and I had joined a caravan whose destination, like
ours,
was Capernaum, where our Lord was sojourning. We had made the
start
from Mary's house in Bethany, a little white house, built of
carved
tiles, with a pomegranate tree at its door. Mary's sister, Martha
- that dark, different sister - had met me with a grim face, and
her brother, Lazarus alas, with sly advances.
     By now it was midsummer. The countryside was parched and
thirsty, the trees along the road powdered with dust. In the
shade
of a tree here and there a leper crouched, crying out raucously
as
he saw us, holding out a ghostly hand for alms, or a blind beggar
sat patient, flies swarming on his closed eyelids.
     We left Judea behind, entered the Samarian country, sighted
the pointed peaks of Galilee and the rising-moon of Tabor; and at
last, from a grassy mount, looked down on the sea of Galilee.
     On the way, as we rested at an ir.n, I made bold to confide
in
Mary, longing to bear my soul.
     "Oh, Mary," thus I began, "I had such pride in the choice of
my heart. To have loved such a man ... To have so loved such a
man ... Now I must deny this love. And what will he do?"
     But she broke in upon my words, and I knew f-om a sudden
sternness in her that she was far from love and grief as is a
star
from earth.
     "What is human love compared with divine? Man's love is no
more than a mirage, or as waves that roll in upon the shore, wave
after wave, and break, and are lost."
     "YGU have never loved!" I cried.
     She raised her eyes heavenward.
     "None but God," she whispered.
     "How have you escaped ... if you have a heart?"
     The sharp words sprang from my lips ere I could think to
withhold them, for all that was in me rebelled at that heavenward
look, that lofty answer; and I felt sad and sore because the
angel
had no power to comfort me.
     Softly she spoke.
     "All my life, I believe, I have been wait.ng for the Lord
Jesus and His sacred love. Mary, the heart is never content until
it bestows itself on the highest. From my youth up I have guessed
eternity, the World!"

+22

this. Marriage meant naught to me. Then when I saw our Lord I
knew
why."
     "But had you married with love," I said, "you would know
that
such love too is sacred, since it is veritable oneness. Oneness
of
spirit, oneness of flesh ... ."
     Yes, flesh! Wherein spirit dwells on earth ... the flesh of
two
beings that are as one soul ... 
     "Mary" - she bent low to me - "can you not drive out this
stranger from your heart and truly admit your Lord?"
     I turned away despairing.
     "How can I make you to see that if there is any stranger I,
myself, am interwoven with him. And now that we are rent asunder
can you look for less than agony? Could you cut the hand from the
arm without pain ... and maiming? Could you cleave the heart in
twain
and still live?"
     We came to Tiberias. Here I lowered my veil, torn by terror
lest I encounter Novatus and a mad desire to turn back now, ere
it
be forever too late, and fly to him who was blood of my blood,
soul
of my soul.
     We passed brown Magdala, then into level land, through the
gclden grain fields of Gennesaret. At last we entered Capernaum.
And there we traced our Lord to the house of Simon the Pharisee,
where He sat at the mid-day meal and awaited the many who came to
hear Him speak.
     Following the multitude we reached a great white mansion
and,
crossing its court, were borne with the crowd up a stair leading
to
the second story and into a dim hall. Light streamed through an
archway - light and the strains of a charming voice!

      "Cause us to drink of the crystal river of Thine

O Divine One!
"Cause us to walk in the garden of Thy nearness,
     O Beloved!
     "Cause us to attain the summit of Paradise. Shepherd of
the World!"
     Make us steadfast in Thy love, O Inspirer!" 
     God of my fathers ... that voice! How it struck into my
heart ... pierced, wounded it. As I drank even deeper of lts
swinging
cadence, in which a wrenched agony, as of the suffering of God,
rose blended with strains of triumph, earth with its poor
delights,
its puny sorrows, faded away.
     "Cause us to approach the throne of Thy might, O Cleaver of
Dawn!
     Make us steadfast in Thy love, O Inspirer!"

     I could endure no more! Blind to the throng gathered in the
outer hall, blind to all but One who sat at Simon's table, I ran
through the arch to that One and cast myself down at His feet and

+23

wept ... and dared rain kisses on those holy feet.
     What could I do now to pledge myself forever to Him? Of what
worth was my word? But one treasure remained to me. I drew it
from
its hiding-place in my breast. Should I empty my nard, should I
shatter my jar at His feet, would He know this to be my mortal
heart, broken into fragments for His sake, and all its love
spilled
for Him? I drained out the perfume to the last drop and dashed
the
jar upon 'he stones before Him. And then I looked up ... and His
eyes
were a fathomless mystery. So that none could hear He bent low
and
whispered, "I know." Once more I cast myself down, and His
feet ... so wet with my tears and my nard ... I wiped with the
locks of
my hair.
     From afar ... so it seemed to me ... I heard murmuring.
     "She is weeping for her sins" ... in a woman's thin notes.
     "W-lo is s'ne?"
     "mhe courtesan, Mary - famous in Jerusalem. Cnce a poor maid
from this neighbourhood - Magdala."
     "Oh ... she."
     And after this the whisper of a man.
     "Why was this waste of ointment made? For it might have been
sold for more than three-hundred pence and given to the poor."
     I know not what it was that made me to raise ,..y head a'
these
words and fix my eyes on that man. His whisper had come from the
seat next Jesus. Who was this that sat so near ... and counted
pence?
I saw a face drugged with earth.
     The whispers buzzed on - now whispers of men.
     "It is polluted ointment.  Ointment used for shameful
purposes."
     "With this ointment she anoints her body for her lovers ...
and
she dares pour it on the Master's feet!"
     Then the voice of Jesus Himself lifted with authority, while
upon my head I felt a hand, light as a rose-leaf, f,.m as ma.l -
and the centre of its palm burned me with its life.
     "Let her alone. Why do ycu '.ouble her? You have the poo.
with
you always and whenever you will you can do them good. But me you
have not always. Verily, verily I tell you, that wheresoever
throughout the world this gospel shall be taught, this that she
has
done shall be mentioned also as a memorial to her."
     Silence, heavy with shame, hushed that chamber; I more
shamed
than all to be the object of so grea a bounty. None but Jesus
could break such silence. He called out now, as if to rouse one
who slept.
     "Simon! Simon! I have somewhat to say unto you."
     His hands still comforted my head and from His palm flowed
life so strong that His palm was as fountain and my body a vase
to be filled from it. Wherefore, lost to all save this mystery, I
heard naught He said to Simon till I became aware He spoke of me.
     "You gave me no water for my feet, but she has washed my
feet
with her tears and dried them with her hair. You gave me no kiss,

+24

but this woman since she came in has not ceased to kiss my feet.
You brought no oil to anoint my head, but she has anointed my
feet
with her precious ointment. Wherefore all her sins are forgiven.
For she loves much ... "
I burst into sobs so wild that I could hear no moe.
     And now I must be alone. To a corner of Simon's garden I
went
and sat upon a stone bench, screened Erom the house by tall
buslles.
     All my sins forgiven for this sin of loving ... of a
reckless
spending of my heart and count ng not the cost Did the virtues of
the Kingdom then centre in but one - unbridled love for God and
all
that He had made?
     At a sound in the bushes I looked up and saw a man plucking
a
rose. He turned. Why ... this was he that had sat next Jesus! Now
he
came toward me holding out the rose, his great body sinuous in
its
gliding. At close hand I could observe his features. His nose
hooked downward. His mouth was a ruby crescent in his beard, his
brows like a scimitar curved across his forehead. The full
ellipses
of his amber-coloured eyes gloated upon me. He smiled ... as a
serpent bares its fangs.
     "Will you have a red rose from me?"   .
     "But it was you that questioned my humble sift to Jesus."
     "You face was hid when I made that speech! Beautiful Mary, I
am Judas Iscariot, chief of the Lord's disciples." He flung the
words at me, his head tossed back, his red lips curling.
     "Chief of the Lord's disc ples? And you offer lust where
your
Lord gives love "
     Judas' eyes flinched, his face fell, and a look Oc strange
despair engulfed his pride, as of one inured to defeat, so that
for
a little space I pitied him ... till he lifted those eyes,
narrowed
with guile.
     "I offer my heart, O cruel one." Seduction
voice. "The rose, the hundred-petalled rose, Mary,
the heart. and of the oneness of hearts."
     "Tne nard was the symbol of my heart offered to the Lord,"
sa,d. "With Him alone I wish oneness."
     "Do you think you can have it this way, when you scorn a
fellow-creature?"
     The thrust was sharp ... and, alas, true. Judas dealt it as
if
in soft reproach, his voice wistful. But my eyes, piercing his
mask, saw behind the secretive flesh a sinister self - like to a
column of black basalt, immovable and cold - and I gave him
thrust
for thrust, though mine the worst by far.
     "You, Judas, are a hypocrite. In the Master's very presence
you gossiped of my paramours. I will not trouble to deny such
slander. Yet you seek for yourself, from me, that same illicit
love
for which you dared judge me."
     "It is you that judge me, Mary." I marvelled at the man's
patience. So deaf was he to my bold affronts that now a dark
laughter danced in his eyes. "And the Master has said, "daring to

+25

jest with holy words, "judge not that you be not judged." You
will
have a 'all," he chuckled in his throat. "Mark what I say, Mary
of
Magdala, you wil' have a fall!"
     Then, leaving his LOSe to die in the dust of the path, he
turned on his heel and went back into Simon's house ... to
companion
Jesus.
     And I stood and grieved for that I should hate him, when I
had
hoped at such a moment, fresh from the Lord's 'orgiveness, to
love all
that God had made.

+26
           VII

     AT SUNDOWN, again athirst fvr solitude, I stole from our
chamber at the inn, where Mary lay in a light sleep, and set
forth
for the synagogue. Now the synagogue stands on that street which
ends in the highway, and when I had mounted the few steps to its
court and turned to watch the beauty of the sunset - the sky
being
a.. inverted solden bowl and the sea a mirror to it - I saw in
the
distance a horseman galloping. His face was hid in the shadow of
his mantle, but that form ... that form ... broad in the
shoulders,
lean, erect on his horse, well I knew!
     Oh, to escape such a meeting! Yet could I flee from it ...
from
Novatus? Nay, whatsoever the pain of it, this I would not do. I
stood still, in full view upraised on those steps, the long
avenue
of the colonnade behind me - still as a statue - waiting.
     Swiftly he drew nearer. Now I saw the beetling brows below
the
white mantle, the oval drop of the chin, the thin red mouth. And
now I saw his eyes and the anger smouldering in them. He
dismounted
and strode to my side.
     "Mary" - his voice shook - "why such a blow in the dark? You
stabbed me, Mary, while I slept."
     No answer had I, nor voice wherewith to answer. I cast down
my
eyes, mute in my shame.
     "What folly, this flight ... and to my very neighhourhood.
You
have gone mad! The scene you made today .. the house of that
Jew ... ah, you wonder that I know of it? A guest present from
Tiberias quickly brought the news. Did it not shame you then to
be
held up a gazingstock, exposed to a room full of hypocrites as a
repentant harlot your 'sins' the apt subject of a parable? Nay,
this has shamod both you and me. Come back to me, Mary ... to
your
own home ... to my love that changes not, thcugh you lose your
senses ... turn coward ... knife me in the back." I shrank from
the
hunger in his look.  "Or" - seeing me shrink, his eyes blazed -
"or,
by all the gods, Rome shall make snort work of this man Jesus.
shall despatch Him before another sundown."
     Now I found my voice. Terrified, driven to the wall, lost to
all thoughL OL myse.. cr .ny shame, now I found;.
     "Novatus, should you dare destroy this Holy One of God, and
do
so b~ause of irie, ; swear to you I will kill myself."
     He bowed his head and stood lingering ... for I knew not
what.
And my hea.t broke over him and I lcnged L3 '~};e him to i.,y
breast.
But he nad r,.ade the worst of threats and
Himself was now imperiled by h~m. And I knew not what he might
~o.
~esources had he to c~,.y out this threat, and also .o
~efea..l..r.e.
Wherefore . spoke once more, and my words were false as .hei were
cruel.
     "Whatsoever you may a'tempt, yau will f.nd of no ava l. Your
hold upon me is loosed, G ~lovatus. And ... you are too proud to
seek
revenge."

+27

"Mary, why do you weep?"
On t~e temple steps Jesus found me in tears.
     "Oh my Lord, I have driven my lover away ... broken him ...
with
a lie. And ... this worthless life of mine ... would I had never
offered it tc you! Fcr now ... it mer.aces your 'iLe. ~y Lord,
.~cvatus
would kill you."
     A touch on my ncad, a burn r.g cur.ent st.~am ny from a
li~ht
hand, and I li'ted my ~ace to X s above me, and 'c ~he compassion
in Hia eyes.
     "Why do you weep~" He said once more, and now ;ie was
smilir,g
"When you have verily siven up, your lover shall come after you.

+28
           VIII

     THREE DAYS HAD PASSED. On the way to sup with our Lord in
Peter's;-louse, John and I strolled the highway. It was the
twilight
hour. Through alleys betwixt the black houses that edge the
beach,
women were coming up from the sea bearing jars on their shawled
heads.
     To John I could speak, as I could not to Mary - the Mary
that
had never .ov~d - as I dared not yet to the holy mother, of the
sorrow and dread in r~i heart.
     "Dear John," I said, "you have been patient these three days
and have taught me much. I see now that to fear Novatu
folly, since the Divine One canr.ot be slain by human hand-~. And
my
heart is ruly comforted by my Lord's sweet prom se, whi~h I could
nev. doubt, that some day my lover will come back. ~ut ... oh, in
the mea ... ime, ~ tremble fcr him: I know not to what I have
goaded
him. Yet I c~n guess. He will Lurn to some other woman, John. For
w 'hout a woman's love Novatus cannot endure his disillusioned
life."
"Is that all?" said John.
     The scornful ~uestion was soCtened by his voie, which was
melodious as a viol.
     "~ut ~ onc~ dreamed of anot';.eL woman ... a wo.r.an n a cr
mson
mantle. And crimson is the colour of blood. This bodes ill to
him."
     ":~;ary, ~ swear you do u'ot' '~ie'd him up t^ the
woman ... shou~ there be one!~'hy be troubled s~nce the end is
sure?
The Lord has been merciful in giving you such assurance. ~e s al'
com~assion LO H.s children. He feels with us, aches with our
sorrows. Still ... has He not called us out from our private
grief,
our pr vate ha~piness, to serve Him in His giant task? If we
would
share this task, how strong we must be! Messengers of God come
not
as physicians to babes, healing one of a fever, another of a
heartache. When the house itsel~ is rotting they
new struct~re am,d the ru.~ o da.e to serve so great a Builder
should be enough for such humble ones as we."

     By now we were close to the home of reter, which stood on
the
narrow strip to our righ' between the highway and the sea ... a
simple dwel,i..g of black brick, cris-crossed with lines of
mortar.
     His disciples alone were to sup with Jesus that night, the
twelve men who were ever with Him and a few women; the holy
mother,
the wiEP of Peter, the mother of John, and:'aLi Oc 3e'hany. And
to
this meeting of near ones He had in His loving kindness bid me.
     We entered a whited chamber lit by candles. He~e our Lo,d
sat
upon a bench, ki..gli in full white robes that billowed from His
wide-spread k~ees, casting a mighty shadow on the wall. His
disciples, seated on the floor, formed a half circle at His feet.
     As we c.ossed 'he threshold, John's mother looked up from
that
circle and I saw a small frown gather her Lorehead. Yet she was a

+29

soft and lovely creature, with child-like cheeks and a round
cleft
chin ar.~a, under two little arches for brows, great blue eyes
that
~ver worshipped Jesus.
     Vashti, the wife of Peter, came forward to greet me. ~ashti
had a fierce l~eauty. Her face was short and put me in mind of a
youny eayle, and dus~iy tresses framed it, flying out rrom her
white
veil. r.cr brows were like spread winss frcm low on the bridgc o'
her nose. Her mouth when she s ... iled could be merry, though
today,
alas, I saw a tight-lipped smile. This woman bestowed her trust
~ith caution and not yet was it given to Mary of .~agdala.
     Peter followed his wife to bid me welccme - a man of heavy
build, but with the quick of his soul bared on his broad face. He
grasped my hands and tears filled his eyes. Lvr Peter wept ar.d
laughed readily. I~ove had he wherewith to weep; wisdom wherewith
to
laugh.
     3ehind Peter, Judas Iscariot slunk my way with a grin.
Plainly, ~udas LLad forgiven me!
     "Mary, ~ou like me not, but I am a good -'ellow; try me! I
will
make you laugh, I ~ill make you dance!" He whipped cuL a flute
fL'.'Cm
the breastfold of his robe and tilted iL .o his 'irs. "You will
dance to my piping!"
     I swept ~ast him, mute and indignant, for there was a
Presence
in that chal..ber, and to .hat Presence ' straiyhtaway went a..d
took
my place at Hi~ feet. The master smiled ~own on me and I thought:
now I 'now that God i.. heaven smiles.
     We gathered round the table, sp.ead with a white cloth and
strewn with jasmine anc7 rose petals, The Master placed Peter
(who
wept and begged for a humbler seat, at the head of the table. He
himself took the center, Vashti at Y~is right hand. His mother at
His left and we other Marys ac.oss from Him. ~Lnd when Y.e had
chanted, blesslng Lhe food, ~e turned ~is 'ace to me and said:
     "You have journeyed far to be wi,h me. Some souls ccme he.-e
and are resucitated. They come dead, they return alive. They come
sick, ~hey return htalc?v'. ~hey come iil sorrow and return
joyo~s.
They come in want and return having partaken of a share. They
come
athi.at, they return sa~isfied! Pralse be to God, ~ou are of
these
souls and yol must rejoice exceedinqly therefore."
     Now the mother of John turned about to me that little frown
gone from from her face, and caught my hand and folded it in
hers. And
the Master, seeing this, glowed upon her.
     "Wife of Zebedee," He said, "you have a tender heart." Then
He
looked on Mary of Bethany. "You have a kind heart. And what sort
of
heart have you, Mary of Magdala?" His smile was full upon me.
"What
sort of heart have you?"
     "Oh, what sort of heart have I? You know Rabboni!"
     "You have a boiling heart, Magdalene" - Laughing He rolled
His
lively hands one round the other. "You have a heart in tumult!
Now,
were there three hearts made one ... the kind, the tender, the
tumultous ... what a great heart that would be!"

+30

     Thus the meal went on, we happy and gay in the presence of
'h~s Holy One, who could be gayer than any. And then came a
solemn
cha..ge. The Master fell silent, .~;.s eyes uprolled, that
luminous
gaze as it were turned within Himself. It was even as though ne
had
qone away, leavin~ only the shell Or His body with us. Now, I
        - my fill of ~is beauty! But He moved, ~aught me

thought, I can drink
staring, ar.d sm~'ed.
     "S~eak, Mary,

speak," He said, "Your eyes are all speech."
     "Your presence," ~ sLammered, "makes of this ~meal a king's
banquet."
     "This is because of you. S,eat love. Onc a poet said, Woun~s
dealt by Thee are my healin~. Poison from Thy hand is honey.' "
     "~ou..d me and give me poison that my human hear' may die!"
     "I will. ~hcr. afflictions and bitter conditions tasLe sweet
to
man, t'nis is a sign Lhat he has fourd favour in the sight of
God."
     Now Peter murmured:
     "The Master is feeding His sheep."
Jesus bowed His head and lowered nis eyes and His hands lay
in His lap like cups.
"I myself am the food," He said.
     In the sil~nce I could all but hear my tears fall. Then the
Master raised Xis hand with an ineffable smile.
     "Eat, Ma,y."
     ~ool ~hat I was and blind to think He meant .he food on my
platter! To obey , ate all that focd, though row it was like to
rough, coarse grains and I scarce could swallow~ the changed
substance. Or ... was it my body that was change& and caught up
i..to
tt..e .;i.lgdom? .es, Lhe change was ir. this body, so light was
it now,
so filled w~th sparkling life, as if fashioned of air.
     "I myself am the food," the Lord had said.
     So, it was heavenly food of which He had bidder, me partake.
And verily I )lad partaken, for what could th~s be ... t~is life
eLfervescir.g within me ... if it be r.ot His l fe?

     3n the dark and deserted highway Mar~ and I wal~ed alone to
our inn, the blue nigh' enveloping us. To our left the sea ran a
liquid silver; to the ,-g'.' stood rows of black houses. The
Synasogue lay ahea&, its olumr,s pallid in the moonlight, casting
long blacls shadows. Its deep, colG.,..aded porch stood at the
corner
. ~';e highwa~ and the steep littl2 ;treet that led to our inn.
~ear,~ 35 we were, we d.eaded th.s cl m~ and, when we reached the
aynagogue, ~e sat down on its step-~ 'o rest. Behind us stretched
the lGng recess of 'he cclonnade, .ts pavement - flanked '~
LrLos~-
many colum..s - st.,ped with black sha~ows. A whi.e moon soared
over
'he sea, while her double danced on the ripples, and Mary said:
     "I r.ever saw the moon so dazzliny."
     "But," I made answer, "when I think of th~ lust.e on Jesus'
face tonight, this whole scene looks opaque to me, even as a
~ar.ting on a wal'."

+31

     She pressed my hand and we both f-ell silent. In the
stillness
of the nighL, as T watched the rippling, flashing sea, I was
again
aware of that life like to wine within me and my heart opened to
a
ragrance blown from white gardens.
     A scream pierced and .ent the stillne~s .~lary had sc.eamed!
~nd at that ir.stant the folds of a cloak flung over me from
behind,
.ufrled me in thick darkness. Hands wrapped it around me,
rnuscular
arms lifted me, and knew that a man bore me down the steps and a
little fu.t'.er on level ground, and set me down in a chair. Then
to
the tramp of feet I moved forward. At my side hoofs clattered ~r.
the stones. ~ut sosn all sound ceased as we came 'o a halt.
Agair.
hands fumbled about my body, loosing the cloak, freeing my face
of
it, and I saw (and this surprised me not) that I sat in my own
l ter - ~elix, Nova';us' most trusted slave, on his horse beside
, e .
     ~T 3S1- pa-don, my lady, for such rough treatment," he said,
ber.ding an anxious loc'~ on re. "; could not have done this, you
know, but by the express comma;.d of my ~aster."
     A great light s~emed to break upon me, and while we ,ogg~d
alons the hishway, through the litL.e city of Bethesda, through
silvered wheat fields, past the black slabs of Magdala's huts,
Tiberias looming darkly ahead, a huddle of black and silver cubes
descending th~ mou ... ain, my though.s were as a song o.
triumph.
     How swift the fulfilment of the Lord's promise; that when I
had v~rily given up my lover should come after me! How easy ...
th,s
gi-~ing up' I had done no more th~n breathe a prayer, "Wound me
and
give me poison t..at my hea.. r,ay die." And my Lord, without
death,
had immo.talized my heart and wi,hout death changed me. Poison
and
wou..d~ had I asked, and ins~ead He had fed me with His own life,
refinins my very flesh thereby. And here I was now on the road to
Tiberias ... on the W5Y bac~ to my beloved ... a new Mari, ready
.o
meet him, ready at last to win hl.., to the Lord! But yesterday
Jesus
had said, as ; knelt at H s feet, "You must become so free and
joyou, ;Jlary, that you will be able to light in a coid heart a
great fire." Now inde~d was I free and joyous!
     True, Novatus himself had come not after me. Lawless as
Barabbas, chief of bandits, he had stolen me by the hands of
slaves. But ... could he steal me from the Lord save by the will
of
the Lord?
     Late in the night we entered Tiberias and, passing through
its
crooked streets, soon reached the terrace where stood our villa,
its white walls shining below the high feathers of the palms.
     Within, the villa was silent and dark. I walked the length
of
the atrium, blue in a haze of moonlight, and, approaching the
colonnade, saw a light like a yellow star glowing in my
cubiculum.
Loie, my little Greek slave, crossed the peristyle to meet me.
She
welcomed me with happy tears and led me back to my chamber where
she had wine and cakes set out. There she tenderly served me,
removing my rupled tunic, preparing my bath, and when I had come

+32

forth fresh rrom it, kneading me with perfumed oils - with the
oils
~ heady spices. Then, covering me with a broidered sheet of silh,
she bade me gcod-night ... and left .he lamp burnins.
     Impatient, now T awaited my dear one, scarce able to wait,
being at last so free to love him, tc atone for my baseness
toward
him, scarce able to wait to 'light in this heart a ~reat fire.'
     A step. The ~urt~ins at the doorway parted and Novatus stood
in the arch, in his eyes a look humbl~ and shamed.
     "Forgive me, Mary. I did a brutal thi.,g, but you left me no
other way. I k.iew you had l,ed to me. I ~now in my ve.y fibre
your
love for me. The only thing in the world Oc which I am sure is
this ... this ... and my love for you."
     His voice quivered. I saw his .ips quiver. I held out
~elcoming arms.
     "Yes ... you can love ... ~lovatus ... "
     W-th a cry he was on his knees beside my couch. And 'he
rhy'hm
of ou~- oneness pulsed in that chamber - a great silent song.

+33
            IX

     TWO WEARY MONTHS had passed. By now the summer was far
advanced. ~ong since, in my v-lla on the ~ount of Olives - that
house of the lit'le foolish 'oves - I had lost my joy, my
freedom.
     On a night of stifling heat Novatus and i were reclining in
the atrium, by the ai.--refreshing pool. From the walls those
cupids
mocked us wi'h their levity, their darts and balances and gay
garlands. Talk had flickered and died. I sat brooding.
     Why ... whi had all gone wrong? No meana had I l~Et unt.ied
to
win my ~eloved to my Lord. He had grown but the more implacabLe
in
his jealousy, the more ravenous for the whole of me. Mind and
soul
I must yield as well as body, my every thought I must yield, ere
I
satisfy his devouring greed. What could . do to break the knot of
falsity in which . now found myself caught? Even my prayers had
been in vain.
     Novatus left his reclinir.g chair, seated himself on mine
and
bent a flushed face to me. Into his halL-closed eyes there came a
crafty iook and to his thin lips the hunger of a~wolf. I
shuddered
away from him.
     "Come not near me tonight!" I c.ied, "'n-ght, I tell you
fra..kly, my mir.d is full of a better th.ng - that vi~ion I saw
in
Galilee .n the heart cf a true ... an - ir. the hearts cf a few
audacious fishermen ... "
     "Mary!"
     "You thought I had forgot? Never can i forget. Can I stay
with
ycu, Novatus, and you minc so closed to truth? I once thought you
just. Were you verily so, you would seek out Jesus and see for
yourself."
     "Mary ... I ... I have done this."
     "You have done it!" I sa' up, amazed, a..d my anger dro~ped
from me. "Oh, when?"
     "Tha' t me I was in Tiberiaa ... withou' you, before ' Sound
you
in Capernaum."
     "~ou will tell me wha. happened?" Not easy was it to curb my
easerness.
     "He mocked me," Novatus muttered, black fury on his face.
"Xe
lau~hed at me."
     "He laughed at you? Oh impossible. Tell me all He said. Tell
me what you said. WHy is it you have kept this hid?"
     "I could not grieve you, Mary. But, since it is out, you may
have the story. I went to Him privately ... to the house of one
of
your fishermen, where he was quartered. I too shall be frank. I
went for your sake, that I might ... 'see for myself' the true
nature
of His influence over you. But I approached Him with courtesy. In
His first question was contempt. A subtle contempt. 'What was the
news of Rome?' I answered Him - truthfully - that Rome at the
moment was occupied with the Olympic games."
     "And there was no contempt in that, Novatus?"

+34

     "I but stated the truth. He then said it was a pity men
should
be occupie& with games. Still cour'eGus, I explaine~ 'hat these
games had a serious object. The bodies of our potential soldiers
must be developed to the fullest strength to d.ive heavy swords
through coats of mail and to support the weight of the armour. He
replied with flippancy that man was 'oo greatly concerned with
this
perrection of the body, for no matter to what e~tent he developed
his sinews he could never become as strong as the ox, as bold as
t'.e l on OL as big aS the elephant. ~nd this barbarian had the
eCfron'2ry thus to trifle with me!"
     So dismayed was I that I ould not laugh, even at Novatus'
comic anger. Too great a riddle was this for me to guess! ~hy was
it the tender Jesus - He who would not crush a bruised reed - had
Lreated r~ovatus thus?
     Sick to heart, I went to my chamber alone, and my lover
sought
me not that night. Strange that the dawn should have been so
safeguarded!
     A pebble Ļ1ung agains~ my casement woke me. I went to the
casement and looked down on John.
     "une word," I whispered. "-where may I meet you?"
     John raised to my hand a small clay tablet.
     ~-~L Mary's house in Bethany." And, swift as a ~eer, he was
gone."
     Traced on the tablet in ,lowing sc.ipt I beheld ... an
epistle
f-om my Lord. And life tiding back and flooding me and a great
joy
l-.ting .., up, I sank to my couch to read it.
     "O tender lamb! How long will you wander bewildered while
the
Shepherd seeks you~ Without hesitation turn to the flock, that
led
once again by the shepherd over hill and wady, in the light of
the
Sun of T.uth, you may renew your spirit. Could you but know the
love that awaits you, you would delay no longer your return to
the
fold."
     "Bewildered" ... "wandering" ... the tablet d.oFped to my
knee-.
Me.-ci~ul Father, those words were addressed to a stray sheep!
     So ... I had failed. Failed my Lord. Failed Novatus. Had I
then
lost Novatus? Forfelted my Lord's promise? And ... my hope ... my
g,eat
purpose to win to the ~o.d this dear bcloved who w s more than
halC
of rie, who wa~ the very tree of my identity from which I grew as
a
b-a.lch ... If d nope so high be 'ost, if it be verily true 'hat
,
must be cut from the .ree, .hen let me die ... ~uickly ... O my
God' I
sank in'o a black abyss.
     Ah, last night, last night ... could I but relive it with
the
wisdom born of this agony. Or ... have another night! Enough to
abandon my beloved! Why leave him hopeless, bitter, believins I
went i.. hate, shudderins froi.l his 'ouch, wher ... .I so burned
for
that touch now, when ... I so loved h.m? ~ay, I would take 'his
night. Such was my right and his. Yet ... why wait for nisht?
     I sprang from my couch to seek him, then paused to put my
tablet in a chest. But even as L stooped to cover it my glance
fell

+35

on that flowing script, and I saw words verily holden from me
before ... "Without hesitation, turn to the flock." Why ... here
was a
command wrapped in such tender phrasing that it had been hid from
me till now. Another night was not mine to take. "The momen' of
obedience" - I heard asain ~Iary's voice - "is the moment when
the
Lord speaks."
     I had no choice but to go. In the Shepherd ... in His
forgiveness ... lay my only hope.
     I stood for I knew not how long, there in that familiar
chamber, in whose narrow lensth the wall,, painted so bright in
red, seemed to happily shelter me, from whose casement I coul~
see
the cedars, the white cupids on pedestals in the sraSs, the
showering fountain. My gaze travelled round the little room,
iinsering on each dear object - my couch set upon silded lion's
feet, its cover the hide of a lion, '.~.e tripod at its Soot
capped
'~ a winged Mercury, the chairs and the stoois cc old ivory
cushioned with Tyrian purple, the dressing-table of citrus wood
strewn with precious trifles ... each one the ~ift of my lover,
quick
with his touch. At last I said aloud:
     "Lot's wife looked back. I dare not."
     I gathered u~ the few 'h.ilgs needful and, in trembling
haste
lest my resolution weal.en, made ready to go. One robe alone I
took
with me, a tunic of rich pomegranate stuff, broidered with
threads
of gold, for ~ovatus h.mselr had chosen this for me and had ever
been hap~y when I wore it. Ar,d in its soft fold I laid my
tablet.
     What could I say to my dear one when I should bid him
farewell? How explain this sudden fight save as my thr~aL of last
ni~ht explained it? That the Lord had again summoned me - this he
must never know. i prayed God for strensth ... for wcrds. Then I
went
to his door, parted the curtains and peered within.
     ~e lay so still ~h' I knew he ~lept. I stole to his couch
and
knelt. Pale morning light shone through the casement and glinted
across his face, illumi~lating it for m~ ... and I saw that
moving
thing which had ever roused my tenderness, its innocence in
sleep.
     Long I knelt with eyes fixed, to imprint on my heart forever
this face I might see no more ... each love feature of Novatus
... my
lover. And then he worke, looked at me there on my knees, and
stretched forth his arms to me. Alas that, fearful of my heart, I
drew back from those dear arms!
     He raised himself on his elbows and a great pain dawned in
his
eyes.
     "May ... what is it?"
     "Novatus ... my dear ... I must go."
     "Go? What is all this?"
     "Novatus ... if I stay ... we will kill our love."
     "Kill ... our love?"
     "Oh my beloved, do you not know? Inwardly are we not parted
now? In this outward union we do but wound each other. And too
many
wounds mean ... death."

+36

"Nay, Mary, not in reality parted."
     "Ah yes, a shadow lies between us ... naught but a shadow,
could
you but see ... in time ... "
     He cut me off in sudden rage.
     "Shadow? That is a good word, Mary. The shadow of your own
fancies ... from the accursed ... "
     "~No! No! You must not say it!"
     "May the gods grant that I see the day when He is strung on
the cross ... with other thieves!"

     Horrified by his blasphemy I fled and he made nGt a move to
hold me. Now I stood high on the mount. On its rocky crest above
me, the house of the pure Mary rose like a pillar of snow against
Lhe blue sky. In the midst of vineyards below, my villa shone in
the sun ... as if no shadow had fallen ... Irresolute I stood.
     So ... I had ceased not to blunder till I had turned this
dearly
loved one into a vengeful foe to my Lord. Oh never had been bold
enough, free enough with Novatus' I had trod LoO softly, fearful
of
his jealousy, fearful ... ever fearful ... Gf my own heart, lest
it be
tempted to yield its all to him and thus be faithless to
Jesus ... and in the end I struck him a ~ortal blow.
     Could I but go back now - for no more than an hour - to my
poor ~eloved, alone ... so bereft ... in that villa, and bare my
whole
heart at last, with all that was in it of anguished love fo. him,
might he not for very piLy forget his wra~h? Pain like to this
must
move him to listen. Verily, such pain proved my love' And when he
had hec..d me and ~new ... knew that naught in ea.th or heaven
could
uproot this passion and that to leave him was death to me, migh~
he
not lay down a little pride and go with me to Jesus? To one so
generous this should be an easy thing to do ... a simple way out
of
our sorrow. ~ot yet was it too late!
     I turned to run down the hill. But ere I had run ten paces I
saw a commotion within my garden walls. Slaves appeared at the
porch carrying a litter. The slaves bore him forth to the
highway.
Then I saw them swing about and set of briskly for th~ Golden
Gate.
     On what errand was Novatus bound at this early hour, and in
such haste? Trembling now for the life of my Lord, I sp-d to thaL
house cn the summit.
     ~ounding a bend in the road, I saw John.
     "'ohn! Joh..!" T cried. "Thar.'~ God you are here. When I
left
Novatus ... he threatened. See, his l,tter ... near the Golden
Gate.
Where is the Master, John?"
     "In Bethany."
     "So near! ~.nd Novatus mayhap on the way 'o Pilate."
     "What power has he, or Pilate, over the Lord, when His hour
is
not yet come?" John's eye~ flashed. "This I have heard Him say,
Mary: - 'My hour is not yet come.' Look! Even now Novat~s turns
back."
     The litter had stopped and faced about to my villa.'what
could

+37

have changed Novatus' purpose - there, at the very wall cf the
city? Had he remembered my words, "You are too proud to see~
revenge"? Or was this but a last contemptuous gesture to dismiss
me
from his mind?
     "John, why has the Master called me from Novatus? Is it that
I have failed?"
     "I think not, Mary."
     "Was it not then His will tha. sent me back by means of that
capture?"
     "I think Novatus but captured you and the Master had naught
to
d o w i t h i t . "
     "~ohn, I beseech you help me to understand. In my soul I was
never faithless to the Master. You know that when He promised me
that when I had entirely given up, my lover would come after me.
That night, at Peter's table, verily, verily, , save up. John,
even
my flesh was changed. I believed from my mould the .Yaster had
wrought a miracle on me that I might quickly fulfil this great
thing - the winning to Him of my gifted, my ~owerful Novatus."
     "Oh, think clearly, Mary. How could a Gentile, a Roman,
quickly see with the vision of the Jew? T~e Jews themselves,
despite their prophets, thei. age-long belief in the coming of a
Messiah, are not yet ready to welcome vod's Mess ah. The great
and
powerful ignore Him. As for these crowds that dog His footsteps
and
give Him no peace, do you think them fit for such a gospel as
His?"
John's strange eyes sought the distance. "Did they know the cost
of
following Him they would flee away."
     "But ... Novatus~ Think you, Johr., there is any hope for
him
now?"
     "Where is your faith? You are blown upon by every wind. Men
break their promises. Not so the Master."
     "Then ... ' have failed not ... yet?"
     "What could you do asainst a ~ealous lover? ~earn, Mary,
from
this" - stooping he plucked a ~ud - "that God has a destined.time
for all flowering. Learn to bide God's time. Force not closed
doors."
     We walked up the road that wi~ds beneat~ a rocky cliff.
     "You are taking me to the ~aster, Johr,? He is with Mary and
Ma .ha?"
     "'.es, but a r-ew steps away now. The Master has planned a
long
Journey," John spoke sently. "r:e would ha~-e you with Xim on
this
jola.-ney. ;~herefo.e He has ~ome Hi,..self for you."
     By now we were near to he '..use Or Mar;-. She stocd in the
arch of the door, behi..d the ~omegLanate t Pe, wi.h the mother
oL
Jeus. A~d seeing us, both came out upon the ~ath an&, tenderly
.mling, embraced ,,e, and the mother said:
     "The Master i wa ti..g for you, Mary." Then she led me to
his
own chamber.
     ;ie stood ga~ing thro~gh a grated windor~, sradly, towa~i
     aler., and I SaW the k.ngly ,weep of .iis prc. lc. The ch~

+38

was redolent of His musk. As we entered He turned and approached
us. Now His grandeur burned full upon me and, shame consumed in
the
fire of His love, I ran forward and threw myself at His feet.
Unsmiling, He raised me up, and I felt the solemnity of His love.
And while I stood awed before Him, He drew a step closer and
plunged His gaze into mine.
     "I look into your eyes, O Mary," He said, ".~nd I see your
heart. Your pure heart is a magnet for the divine bestowals."
     And now He began to pace the floor, hands clasped at His
back,
His eyes uplifted, their glory withdrawn from u~ and turned in
upon
Himself, as though He would read God's secrets from a tablet
within
His own being.
     To and fro He paced between the window and that spot where i
stood with his mother, and the while He strode the power of His
tr~ad shook me. Whensoever He wheeled about at the window and
drew
swiftly nigh unto me, flashing on me His lofty glance, a whirling
currer,t of life rolled from before His advancing Eeet. And
caught
in the onrush, my body grew ever more buoyant and free, its
su~stance lighter and lighter, till it seemed to become light as
     At last I thought: ~ shall rise like a leaf in the wind and
     shall be ~lown away if this walk of the Lord cease not!
     He stopped and once more stood close to me.
     "I may tell you this," He said, "all your hopes and desires
are destined to be fulfilled in the ~ingdom o' 50d." In the
~ingdom
of God, I thought, and not before? "Even as twins in the womb,"
the
Lord went on, "embrace and know not why, so it is with two that
love in this world. For man traverses as in a dream the life of
the
physical world but dimly awa,e of its meaning, knowing li'tle of
the immortal powers wrapped within his own being. ~ut when he
enters the world of the Kingdom he will become acquainted with
all
mysteries, and even as he loves here, so there in that heaven of
light, that heaven of divine bounties, that heaven of the will cc
God, shall he love a thousandfold."
     Ah then, I said w~thin myself, in very truth I have los'
~ovatus and must wait till the life to come ere we meet. And my
heart bled from 'his wound deal' so suddenly by the hand of the
Lord and tears streamed down my cheeks the while I stood silent
before Hir., sa~ing upward at His great might from the depths of
my
sorrow.
     He ~rushed my wet lashes wi'h his fingertips.
     "Weep not," He said, in tones so piercing-tender that my
tears
broke forth afresh. "Weep not, Mary. You must be happy because of
this thing ; have told you."
     "Mary weeps from love," said the kind mother, lay .,g he,
hand
on mlne.
     "i am cast into flames, my lord ... the Elames of your love,
your presence ... and in these I am melting away."
     Put His pitying eyes saw deeper. Slowly He shook His head,
and
the one word He spoke in answer came as a sigh:

+39

"Nay."
     And now was my mind thrown into confusion, for ~ knew not
why
this thing He had told me should make me happy when it snatched
from me for the whole of my earthly life my love and hope. And I
o~ld scarce believe that "Nay". ~or, with the yielding of my hope
to the irresistible will of the Lord, it had seemed to me I
adored
Him but the more for the very cruelty of His will, and that some
of
my tea.s had truly sprung from the ~angs of a fierce new lcve
wakened in my heart for Him.
     Then ... behold a wondrous thing! For while I still gazed
through misted eyes on His glory, veils dropped from these eyes.
r
stood no longer in a walled chamber, in the Lord's bodily
presence.
NGW He loomed vast and blinding-bright, a form as it were built
up
of sunlight, vistas of a softer light opening behind ~im..
     He Himself brought me back from the vision. He led ..
plaque of polished bronze on the whited ~all and wiLh a yesture
s'rong in majesty, placed a hand on my head and laid my face to
~is. So, standing before that mirror by the side Or Jesus, I saw
a
~oung face moulded from clay ... pale clay, red-lipped, tear-
stained ... ch~ek to cheek with a stern and immacuiate Beauty,
with
eyes like to lamps in a watch-tower; I saw a young s~ul shielded
by
the Lord of souls from all loves less than the love of the Most
High; I saw the D ~ine Shepherd enfolding His stray sheep.
     Once only He spoke ere He dismissed me.
     "I am your Father. I am your King. I ... I am your Beloved."
     The mother led me back to that larger chamber wherein we had
left John and ~ary. Here ~e now fcur.d Martha and a few of the
.welve who always walked i.. the t.ain of the Master. All were
seated on benches against the wall, awaiting the arrival of their
Lord, the men darkly mantled, t7r.eir rough heads strong against
the
white wall.
     Pet~r smiled on me, jovial and kind. The publican Matthew
crossed cver and ~ook my hand in his. In s~ir t ~Ia~'hew and
~e;-e
kin. Philip and Thaddeus also came and spoke with mc. James
c.ossed
not, but smiled from His bench. James was of shorter stature than
John and his nose more hooked, and his eyes had less of de~'h
than
those strange eyes Or hi-~ brother, though h s too were large and
bright.
     ~11 thcse men ~.-.ad sc.-cne brows.
     ~ut nc~ a long shadow fell across the f'oor and I saw .n
tl.e
doorway ... J~das, ~a.X against 'he mcr..ing l.sht. ur.ous, I
s'ared
at h.,~ hat had he to c'o with 'his circle~ ould it be that ~od's
Messenger t-vel'ed 'winncd with s7nadow, e~en as the s.~n? ~nd
was
this man, 'u7as, such a thiny~?
     ;ie came and ~laced in my hand ~ lock of blach 7nar.
     "T7-.e ~aster's r.air," he sa,d. "Whe.. '.ie tr-.,u..ed
,m3rn..g, Mari, ; saved this fo, icu. 1 Xl-.ew you wcuLd be nere
t~day."
     My heart softened.

+40

     "Oh, Judas," I cried, "you have given me what the whole
world
cannot give."
     And now we heard a step ... that step at whose strange
commotion
hearts suffocated with joy, rushing tears burned and blurred the
eyes. And all rosP, hands crossed on the breast ... awaiting our
Beloved's smile.

+41
            X

      A YEAR PASSED; a year of far journeyings on foot, we -- the
twelve men and six women -- follow.ng ever that "Cloud by day and
Pillar of Fire by night. "
      Across Galilee we trami?ed, across the misty Plain of
Esdraelcn, flat and wide within a higher border of mountains,
like
unto a striped cloth, with its long patches of sesame, maize and
wheat and purple - rich earth . Up the elephant's back of Carmel,
"Vineyard of God" -- a grey-green heap beneath the white dust of
its
roads.
      On Carmel the prophets of old have left their footprints
and
holy presences hang above it. Once as we sat With the Master on
the
terrace of a house built on its sU~unit, of a sudden ~Ie lifted
His
face to thc sky, His eyes flashed a glad recognition into empty
air, then up went His hand in a high salute. So we saw the great
Immortal greeting invisible immortals.
      On to Phoenicia we tramped, along the white crescent of the
beach to that ancient city Ptolemais, a crown, of pearls on the
distant tip of the crescent; on and on, to Tyre and Sidon. And
withersoever we went the people were enthralled by our Beloved,
though there were many that knew not why. They that were Jews
clamorously hailed Him, bUt, alas, as no more than a leader who
would deliver them from Rome. ~owbeit, He patientiy trudged 0;1,
scattering the seeds of God's message on rich and stony soil
alike.
      Tramping in the footsteps of my Lord, gladly had I accepted
homelessness, for His footsteps were home enough for me. But one
thing there was I could not yet accept - that which seemed God' s
blindfold bound upon my eyes to hide from me my poor Novatus'
fate.
It had been a year since I had heard his name .
      On our way to Phoenicia we tarried awhile in a vil lage at
the
base of Carmel, on that s . de where the mountain fronts the sea,
and
here at sundown one day the holy mother and I went walking with
our
Lord.
      He led us along the highroad to an ancient olive grove,
where
he stoo& still and pointed out its trees, ~hich were bent, grey
ar.d
gnarled like two old men, and told us Eli jah himself had been
wGnt
to rest beneath them.
      "Let us also rest here, "He said.
      So we sat on the grass under those hoary trees, while
shepherds passed by on the road, singing, leading their flocks to
the fold; while swift dusk fell and the jackals set up their
howls
on the mountain, and night came, studded with bright stars. I
lifted my face to the stars.
      "All the lamps of the night are lit, O Lord," I said, "but
the
ho' y ... ct..er and I s-. L .n the li5ht cf the Sun. "
      "~his is but the beginning, ~lary . Y~u shal i be with me
in a! 1
~c wurl~s of God. And none can know here in this elemental world
what it is to be with me in the eternal worlds."

+42

     "Ah," I murmured, "having such a promise, how could I ask
for
a smaller happiness~"
     Thei-iaster tilted His head and the magic of His smile
gleamed
in the starlight.
     "You will ~ake your heart from this other and give it up
wholly tG God~"
     "Oh, I will try."
     "First you say you will and then you say you will try!"
     I bowed my head, shamed.
     "What can I do with my heart?"
     And now ~esus laughed with a great delight.
     "I am pleased with your answer, Mary, for you have spoken to
me one word of pure truth."
     We strolled homeward in the night, the holy mother and I
dropping a pace behind Him. Often He turned to speak to us, with
some pleasant.-~; again, with winged words that liE'ed our
spirits
skyward. And such sweetness streamed from Him the while that I
said
within myself:
     "Should He dain me not a syllable or a glance, to see this
sweetness shining before me I would follow upon ..,y knees,
crawling
behind Him in the dust, forever"'

+43

     TO CAFERNAUM we returned to rest, though rest there was none
for the Master, save when He fled us and sailed alone to the
shore
o' .he vadarnes and hid Himself in the hills. For by now the news
of His wondrous works had spread far abroad and ever greater
mul.itudes followed Him. And so compassed about by people was He
that I Xnew not how He bore it, till one day ~e told me the
secret
of His patience.
     The young Salome had come to Him with a little grief, then
begged His forgiveness lest she weary Him, and in tones ineffable
He answered her:
     "Were I to spend day and night on ycur troubles should never
t.re ... I love you all so well."
     And again ~e said:
     "I work by the power of the Holy Spirit. I worl~ not by
physical laws, If I did, I should set nothing done!"
     Here He taught by the seaside, standing on the pebbled
beach.
8ut soon such a crowd came jostli.,g down on Him that He must
perforce find a boat, push out a little from the shore and sit on
the sea while Xe spoke. And a beauteous sight was this. For at
sundown ~e taught, in the cool of the day, and with fire above in
the sky and below in the water, He was like unto a 'orm of ligh~.
     Now in Capernaum are many Greeks. Gree~s people the cities
on
both sides of the sea. And these flocked to Jesus, loving His
gaiety. Romans 'oo came unto ~im. Among the centur ons He had
friends. And oft did Xe si. at the center of 'hese Gentiles, the
master-wit among .hem. ~or to such He spo'-e not of the ~ingdom,
they believing not. Yet He made them happy and, drawn by His
love,
they would let Him not alone.
     In th~ synagogue too Jesus was welcomed. On many a Sabbath
we
followed Him across that colonnaded pavement to listen with
rejoicing hearts as He spoke fro..l the pulpit His words of life
~nd
spirit. Also at the house o' Simon was He kept busy, for there
the
rich and great from amo~g Lhe Pharisee~, importuned by the eager
Simon, would oftimes sather to hear His discourse. Howbe.t ~esus
toc'c these li~htli-
     .ven He made s~ort of one, ~ strutting scribe ~LhGm imon had
Lric'-~d 'o .~is P.esence. Ever sha,l- I see this pu''ed ~p rllan
as he
stocd before the Lord of men, his raised eyebrows seeming tu pull
hi~ up on tip-toe, the while he delivered a speech such as he
deemed suitable. In too great has e to ~e g~ne tG await ou.
Lord's
ar.swer, he bowed himse..' out, ar.d the '~aste.- t~riled
laughi..g to

S i.~.c.::
"Th s is a dish ~ou have co~;ed for me!"
     "I trust," the ar.A.cus Si.'.cn ans~ered, "that it -s well
~r~ai-ed. 3ther d shes I ;.ave to et before you, also men o.
wealth
and ; ~aLning . "
     "~et ~s hop they are l.ght," smiied the Master, "and will

+44

rest easily cn my digestion. Some of these dishes are so heav~ !"
And t hen H e s i ghe-l .
      "Great is the power of the intellect, but it is of no avail
till it has become the servant of love. "
      While we tarri ed in Capernaum I made my abode wi th John '
s
mcther (now widowed) in her f.ne stone house on the beach. At
first
the Bord dwelt with Peter and Vashti, then in our household. ~nd
each place in turn, as He filled it with His abundan' life, was
thronged to the doors night and day with peopl e .
      Busy were the women serving, for many came each day to sit
at
meat with our Lord. Vashti, John's mother, and I, with the help
of
the men, prepared the food. Much time we lost over the ovens,
away
from the beloved Pre.~ence. 3ut the poor mother of James and
Joses
-- another Mary -- that red-haired woman with .he jocund face and
fierily worshipping heart, stood from morn till nish. in the
kitchen, washing with Salome's aid the mounting piles of pots and
platters.
      While the Master dwelt with John and his mother sometimes I
served as His doorkeeper. I would meet the people at the door and
1 ead them to that upper chamber wherein He spoke wi th them
privately. Hence, I saw many wondrous scenes, and others I scarce
could bear!
      There was the day when two great ladies of the court came,
taking Him for a soothsayer. One wished to know i, she could
remarry, the other if it would advantage her to acquire a certain
property . And then did I witness the sternness of the Lord! lil
1 the
while those bedizoned women trifled in that chamber He paced up
and
down like to a captive lion. And when at last they minced away,
none too satisfied with His answers - though these had been more
patient than His mien - He turned unto me with great majesty and
s ai d :
      "The people of the world are sleeping. You must be awake.
mhe
people of the world are heedless ... have you not seen hc~
heedless?
You must be awa.e. The people of the world are steeped ir,
darkness.
You must be immersed in a sea of light . "
      Vashti fol 1 owed these women . She ' had by the hand her
son
~avid, then but a babe of two years. (He remembers now having
played beneath the Lord's mantle when once, as he sat wi' h a toy
on
the flooL-~ that mantle swept round and hid him. ) The Master's
sternness fled. Smiles overspread His face. He held ou' His arms
to
the babe. Then, glancing on Judas at His side, from the bas this
disciple ever carried He drew forth a coin of gold and '~ent with
it
to the little one.
      "David, I give you gol&, " He said.
      Behold, the infant scowled!
      "O Rabboni, Eorgive him, " - Vashti hung her head.
      But the Master laughed on a ioyous note.
      "Gold will never buy that child!"
Beneath the rays of His power whatsoever was hidden in the

+45

heart appeared above ground, even as seeds in the earth sprout
beneath the sun. He poured forth His love ... and lo! evil sprang
out
into the open. In the soul that was drawn unto Him, all that was
good leapt to the call of that love, while all that was mean
crept
away, shamed before such greatness.

     At another time I sat in the sacred Presence with si~
others.
One was a publican, Reuben by name, known to be a sly man and a
rascal. 3ut our Lord, once passing his booth, had entered into
speech with him, and from that very hour ~euben was ever tG be
seen
in the multitude that followed us. At last, on a day when all
were
gathered about our Lord, He beckoned to John and said: "Go, John,
on my behalf unto Reuben and tell him I have great love for him
for
that he is truly honourable." Whereat ~udas ~poke up: "Why say
you
this of a man whose mind is so set upcn money that he extorts and
cheats?" Then answered our Beloved, "There is naught I can ~ ve
this man but hope."
     Thus it was that Reuben, emboldened by such mercy, came
seeking the Master in John's household.
     The second st.anger in our midst that day was a Pharisee, a
man of miserly heart, who, seated beside the publican, drew his
cloak tightly about his knees that it be not contaminated by
Reuben's cloak.
     Now the five other sinners at the feet of the all-forgiving
Lord were~the faithful disciples, John and Peter, the mother of
John, Vashti, and this woman of no repute, Mary of Magdala.
     He of the miserly heart had come last to the Master's
presence. Till he entered Jesus had kept silence. Sitting above
us
on a bench, He had been gazing on a rose He held and lifting it
to
His face to smell it. But as the Pharisee joined us He smiled and
bade him be seated on the mat next Reuben.
     Then He began to speak:
     "I hope a great love ma~ be established among you and that
day
by day love will increase. I have gathered you all together here
that you may be gathered in the same way in the Ringdom of God,
and
that you may verily love one another. If you love one another as
you should, it is even as though you had loved me as you should.
I
go away from this world, but love stays always."
     Mary, the mother of John, raised worshipful eyes '~ the
' ~ r
Mas'
     "Would I could be like that rose," she said, "and give for'h
such a fragrance."
     5entle as a breeze, wisi'Lul as a sigh fell the Master's
voice:
     "One could ~e ~ch more '-eautiful than this rose. For the
rose
per-s.le~. Its frag.ance is but for a tir,,e. There is no winter
Ļo,
th~ ,oul of man."
     One day we went b~ sea with the Mas'e- to T~berias. And as
we
~V11OW~J uim '~p from the shore into the market-place I SaW two
~om-ins ~r~ssing 'he s~uare. .~y heart leapt to ~y throa'. One
was

+46

Lucius Vitellius, the Proconsul ... but ... that other ... that
vigourous
body, that head held high in its mantle, the beetling brows, the
pinched, ironic nostrils, the fine-drawn mouth ... 
      That he had seen me I had no way of proving. Wel 1 aware he
must have been, there in that little market-place, of the tumult
about Lhe Lord Jesus . Yet he cast not a gl ance our way, but
keeping
his face steadfastly averted, turned up a side street with the
Proconsul. And all day I could think of naught else, but went
about
sunk in pain. An old dream came back to torture me. Again I could
see Novatus in the Fish Gate, wrapped, even as noW, in white toga
and mantle, passing me by. . . to join a woman.
      But at a later hour Jesus Himself sought to comfort me,
albeit
with a stern comfort.
      We sat encamped in a grove, eating our midday meal from
baskets, He in the midst, upraised on a rock. His regal head, in
the green light of the grove and lifted against its foliage, had
the look of an alabaster statue. From my seat on the ground I saw
Him in profile. Then of a sudden He turned, xis eyes fell on my
tear-stained face and He beamed on me with that smile wherewith
He
would oftimes watch our little behavio..rs --a smile spiced with
wit
and wisdom, sweet With tenderness, deep with a mingl ed joy and
sorrow beyond our knowing . I flung back my head, brushed of r
the
tears from my cheeks and ~1 ashed Him an answering smile . And at
this He broke into laughter:
      "Ah, the sun is out again ! The sun is shining ! I am wel 1
pleased. But" -- ineffable tones gentled His voice - "if the
cloud
weep not, how shal 1 the meadow laugh? The hurricane, the cycl
one
and the blast are but harbingers of spring. "
      Then He spoke of the tempests that . sometimes rage over

     "Strong ships are not conquered by the .,ea ! They ride the
waves like galloping steeds."
     "Winds from every point, from the north, south, east and
wes~
have beaten against my Ark" -- smi ling, He swung both hands to
depict a boat in a storm -- "yet my Ark still floats!"
     And now He sat straight and triumphant.
     "Though the waves should rise to the zenith of heaven, I
shall
preserve an invariable heart. For I know my goal ... it is even
as
sighted land before me . . . and my eyes are fixed upon this and
swerve
not f.om it . "
     Once more His glance fell on me and he called:
     "Come, Mary, sit beside me. "
      rose and went over to Him and sank on the grass at His feet
and laid my hand on His knee, and He covered it With His hand.
And
then, looking down on me with a great compassion, He said:
      "Verily aCCeptanCe is the true path. When man surrenders
his
wil 1 unto God he is always happy. Your heart must become so
tranquil, Mary, so invariable that neither trial nor woe wil 1
affect its peace. You must be wholly submissive. Then you shall

+47

have no will of your own and shall asl~ for nausht but the Will
of
God. ~hatsoever may happen, even in the nether world, is by the
Will of God. And when man forgets his own will, his will s the
Will of God, and all that he does is the Will of God.
"I can hide nothing from you, Lord," I murmured.
His hand rose high in the gesture of a king.
"Nothing!"
And then He smiled.
     "Be happy, Mary! Unhappiness and the love of the Fa~her
cannot
exist in the same heart, for the love of the Father is
happiness."
     "This is my wish for you" - His great eyes gazed beyond me -
"that you become as a glowing lamp and shine forever from the
horizon of universal glory upon centuries and cycles."
     Nevertheless, when at sundown I followed Him up the mount,
the
mult-tude also following, I went as before ... sun ~
all were dispersed and we came down ~'ne hill in the twilight and
the highway stretched before us, a wave of grief wholly
subr.erged
my small ship. For, stirring the dust of the highway into clouds,
I had seen horses and a gilded chariot, and Novatus erect .n the
cha.iot holdins the reins. And as I stopped by the side of the
road ... my heart choking me ... expecting - I kr.ew not what -
again he
passed r..e by with averted face.
     But there came a day when we who served in the household
being
alone with our Lord, sad thoughts were forgot in the abounding
joy
of His nearness.
     Free of guests at the mid-day meal, all sat at table with
our
Beloved, and the ever-toiling Mary, mother of James and Joses -
she
who spent other days in the kitchen - was bidden by Him to the
seat
at His right hand. Then He made merry with her, for He greatly
loved her laughing spirit.
     That day so full was her heart for that she was sitting next
the Lord, she scarce could touch her food. Smiling He heaped her
plate.
     "I perceive you are an angel, Mary. Angels eat not! Or,
mayhap, you are going home to a luscious meal, and saving your
appetite for that!"
     Mary looked down, abashed.
     "~ou are kind 'o me," she said.
     "God kr.ows the degree o. it!" ~e answered with a deep sigh.
     "i am not an angel, then," I laushed, "for I eat every
morsel
you set before me."
     He held out to me on a platte. th,ee dried date~, bla~k as
though burnt to a crisp.
     "Here, ~ary, are Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego." And I knew
nct if He were jestng or in earnest, for 'he jests of the Master
hid ~ an-ngs - Shad.ach, Meshach and Abednego had been ~as' -ntG
a
--e.y fu.nace - yet had come forth ~live. ;ihen He spol~e aga n
i'
was w- th gravity.
     "IoU ~re wise, ~lary Magde'cna, in that you eat ~11 L gi~e
i~u,

+48

bitter or sweet."
Then He turned to the mother of James and Joses.
     "Mary's heart is pure like unto the snow on Hermon. I am her
witness that she is pure. She spoke one word of truth to me which
I shall never forget."
     "Will you not tell us?"
     "Nay, I cannot tell you, for this was between Mary and me."
     "Secret?" asked the other Mary.
     "Oh, verily secret!"
     "My Lord, I said, "if ever I told you an untruth, it was
that
I deceived myselC."
     "There are degrees of truth," He answered me, "but that one
word of yours which has so pleased me was perfect truth."
     And I knew the word He praised was this: What can I do with
my
heart?
     "Ra~boni," I cried, "You are the heart of God. You alone can
drive out the stranger from these poor hearts. Oh, do this for
mine!"
     ~e turned and His ga~e burned upon me and in it was a
majesty
of sorrow. Then He touched my eyes w-th His fnger-tips, as though
drying tears yet unshed.

     On another day Vashti came, bringing Simon, her son of four
years, and David, the babe. The house, as ever, was full of
people,
among them two other small boys brought by their mothers to be
bles.. And at early eventide all were assembled in the Master's
chamber. This chamber is large and high and faces the sea and its
walls are whited.
     ~ur Lord sat majestic in the midst. The sun's rays, slanting
through the windows, glistened upon Him. His robes, spread out in
white folds on the floor, were like the great base of a statue.
So
upright He sat, so solemn, clothed with such might that I
thought:
Thus Moses must have looked when he thundered forth the Law.  .
     Then, while the children played at His feet, He opened His
lips to speak, and at this His austerity fell from Him like a
dropped cloak and with the sorcery of His unearthly joy He taught
us of happiness.
     "Happiness is life. The happiness of the spirit is
everlasting
life. This is a light which is not followed by darkness. This is
an
honour which is not followed by shame. This is a life which is
not
followed by death. This great blessing is obtained by men through
naught but the guidance of God."
     "This happiness is the source wherefrom man is born and
spheres are framed and the ~ingdom of God appears like unto the
sun
at mid-day. This happiness is the love of God. This happiness is
the eternal might, the rays of which shine forth unto the temples
of unity. Were it not for this happiness the worlds would not
have
been c.eated."
     When the Master had ended and now sat silent, gazing toward

+49

the sea, we women went into the kitchen, to return with wine and
cake for the guests and milk for the children .
      Now our Lord turned to the children and drew them up to His
knees and gathered them to His breast. And He caressed and played
with them, while they, enfolded in his arms, raised wondering
faces
to His smiles. Then He set them upon the floor and, calling to
Vashti to bring their bowls of milk and one .or Himsel falso, He
got upon the floor with them. And there, in the midst of these
little ones, He said:
      'rI am hungri~ too. We wil 1 take our milk ~ogether . "
      Tenderness played on His immortal face. He sipped from His
own
bowl and fed each child with a spoon.
      In that chamber stood an old man, hands crossed on his
chest
like lifted bird's wings, his eyes cast down, and upon his
cheeks,
below the withered eyelids, trickled unheeded tears.
      Now when night was come and the peopl e were leaving, one
of
the mothers passed by, her little son at her side, and I heard
the
lisp of the babe:
      "Is the Lord that blessed me, mother, the same Lord who
holds
the moon and the stars in His hand and makes the sunshine? "

      Ah, those days in Capernaum. . . smal 1 wonder that I dwel
1 so
long on their perfect joy. They came to a sudden end.
      One night as we sat at meat with our Lord, none being
present
but the twelve, those of our household and the holy mother (
lately
arrived from Nazareth), He, turning to us with a sol emn 1 ook,
bade
us make ready at once to go with Him to Jerusalem for the
Passover.
      "We wil 1 go up in secret to the Passover, " He said.
     And my heart gave a great leap. At last, I thought, I shall
have news of Novatus . Perchance, even I may meet him! Then shal
1
know of a certainty if he has ceased to love me.

+50
           XII

      NOW WE WERE on our way to Jerusalem, walking in the
footsteps
of the Lord, a sun-clothed eagle treading earth, who strode on
before us, His garments swinging, the sleeves of His cloak like
great pinions; while Judas with His money-bag followed ... in His
s hadow .
      We went by way of Jericho, which leads to that desert of
salt
shoring the Dead Sea. Unto this we drew nigh, down a white aisle
of
pillars and pyramids. Bleached bones these strange forms seem to
be, standing about the sea called Dead, whose 1 aughing waters
hide
the dead sins of Sodom and Gomorrah. Then slowly, through
murderous
heat, licked by breezes of fire, we mounted the lava wilderness
that crag the sea and white desert.
      In the midst of this peaked and petrified wilderness stands
a
small inn, into which we women crowded for the night, the men
sleeping out in the court, for the inn was already over-full. Now
the holy mother was with us and the mother of James and Joses,
John 's mother and the young Sal ome .
      With the dawn we set out again upon our journey, and at
last
from a flowered plateau sighted Jerusalem. Its spired temple on
Mount Moriah, uplifted above the great square of wall and with
all
of Jerusal em' s domes behind it, appeared to my eyes like a
high-
crowned ~ride, leading the procession of the city forth.
      Al 1 Bethany met these spent travellers . Al 1 Bethany
gathered
at the house of Mary, wherein we rested. And when the Lord made
His
entrance into Jerusalem, all Bethany companioned Him, a surging,
re joicing band, strewing branches broken from the palm trees on
the
path before Him, and He rode forward, mounted on a white ass.
      From the day whereon we entered Jerusalem, lo! our Beloved
changed. A force at white heat had His body in its grip, an inner
coTrunotion that al 1 but burst His body and made it like to a
nettlesome charger .
      Now, in the faces of Pharisee and Sadducee, in the very
Temple
itself, He hurled 'new audacities - claims heretofore never
whispered save to a few believing hearts; divine and perilous
teachings for the age-to-be; anathema on this loutish age; ana'
hema
on the Pharisees and money-changers in the Temple ... while we
listened in mingled wonder and terror, for among the multitude
herded about Him, hanging upon His words, we saw baleful priests
and heard their muttering.
      One night, returning from Bethany to Jerusal em, He
gathered
together Mary ' s household to depict a scene we had witnessed
not,
when that very morning certain Rabbis had pursued Him to the
Templ e
c 1 oisters .
      Buoyantly He depicted this, laughing the while He turned
into
.oolishness the accusations of the Pharisees . And yet . . . that
laughter ! What was this new sound in it that struck into my
heart
such dread?

+51

     "When I had ended my discourse," smiled the Master, "a Rabbi
answered me thus:
     " 'As you well know we expect plain signs in the day of the
advent of Messiah, and unless these signs be fulfilled, to
believe
He is come is manifestly impossible.
     " 'It is written He shall appear from an unknown place. You
are from Nazareth. We know you and your people.
     " 'According to the clear text of the Scriptures, Messiah is
to wield a sceptre, a sword, and to sit upon the throne of David.
But you! You have not so much as a staff or a net.
     " 'Messiah is to fulfil the Law of Moses, but you have
broken

     " 'In the day of Messiah the Jews are to conquer the earth,
till all mankind becomes subject unto them. In the day of Messiah
justice is to reign. Even among the beasts shall this prevail, so
that wolf and lamb shall quaff water from the same fountain,
eagle
and guail dwell in the same nest, lion and deer pasture in the
same
meadow, cat and mouse be at peace in the same house! But behold
the
oppression and wrong rampant in your own time. The Jews are
captive
to the Romans. Rome has uprooted our foundations, pillaging and
slaying us. What manner of justice is this?' "
     "But I made answer: 'These texts have an inner meaning.
Sovereignty I do possess, but it is of the eternal kind,
resembling
not earth's empires. And I conquer not by the sword. My conquests
are through love. I have a sword but it is not of steel. My sword
is my tongue, which divided truth from falsehood.' "
     "Ah, what said the Rabbi to that?" I cried.
     "He said naught to that," laughed the Master, "but later I
heard Him addressing a multitude. 'The Nazareen is a liar. He is
the false Messiah. Believe Him not. Beware lest ye listen. He
will
mislead you; will lure you from the religion of your fathers,
will
create turmoil among you.' "
     "And as I set forth for Bethany," said Jesus after a silent
moment (and now the while He spoke, we were all aware of a
mystery
and of a gathering darkness, and a fear clutched at our
hearts ... yet we believed it not), "as I set forth for Bethany
the
whispers of certain Sadducees, consulting together in Jerusalem,
reached me ... from afar. 'Let us hold a conclave and conceive a
plan. This man is a deceiver. We must do something! What?' " -
gaily the Master mimicked their confusion - " 'Let us expel Him
from the Land. Let us imprison Him. Let us oppress Him. Ah-h! Let
us refer the matter to Rome. Thus shall we be quit of Him.' "
     Jesus rose to His feet. He went to the window and gazed into
the night. On His lips was a strange exultant smile. His eyes
gleamed like unto Jewels.

+52
           XIII

THERE CAME A DAY fateful for me . . . and for two others.
      We, the eighteen were seated with our Beloved in one of the
thin-columned cloisters of the Temple. People on their way to the
shrines, glimpsing the Lord from across the spacious pavement,
turned and came toward us, and soon a crowd cGmpassed us about.
      The master had but just begun to speak, when of a sudden
the
noise of scuffling feet and an ugly swarm of phylacteried men,
like
unto a f1 ight of ravens, rushed upon Him. Two dragged between
them
a woman.
      Why . . . I knew the face of this woman . This was Phyl
lis, one of
the loveliest of Jerusalem's courtesans. What had these Rabbis to
do with her that they should force her to the Lord?
      And now one stepped from the midst, a man with a mouth flat
and cruel, and talleyebrows, and I heard him say unto Jesus :
      "Rabboni, this woman was taken in adul tery, in the very
act .
Moses commanded such to be stoned. What say you to this?"
      The man was mad ! Phyl lis taken in adul tery? She was no
common
harlot. Then all became clear to me. These pries,ts had seized
her
in a helpless moment, to be used as bait for "the friend of
sinners" that He be tempted to deny the 1 aw . And none woul d
have
dared to 1 ay hands on her but that she had 1 ost the favour of
Pilate. Had not my Lord been present I would have fought them al
1

      The Lord seemed to hear not the crafty question. A white
peace
enwrapped Him and made Him to shine . He stirred Himsel fand bent
low to the pavement to write thereon ... to write with His finger
on
the temple's stones. Was He writing a new law there - upon that
foundation -- a merciful new law? Who could doubt, as He crouched
there, the Lion of Keaven, that He and He alone was Lawmaker now?
      So still was He , save for that moving finger , that His
very
stillness (or was it His voiceless will?) commanded silence. I
stole a swift glance at Phyllis. Poor woman, she was coweriny,
white as the slim columns about her. My pity cried our for her.
Yet
I knew these evil priests had but brought her to her eternal
ref uge .
      And now the Master raised Himself and His eyes flashed a
terrible fire as God's answer to hypocrisy rang from His lips.
      "He that is without sin among you, let Him cast the first
stone. "
      And again He stooped and 1 ost Himsel fin His secret
writing .
And one by one the priests slunk out ... an old man first.
      Now none but Phyllis was left. She stood gazing upon the
Lord,
where He still bent low above that tracel ess script . Her lips
were
parted, as though in wonder . She 1 aid a hand on her breast .
The
curls of her head were dishevelled, her tunic torn, but her
pl aintive disarray made her the 1 ovel ier .
     And now Jesus raised again that mighty head and in His eyes,

+53

as He fixed them on this woman, was the burning revelation of the
love of God.
"Where are your accusers? Has no man condemned you?"
"No man, Lord," she whispered.
     "Neither do I condemn you." Oh the music of the voice of Him
who was more than man, who bore God's messages! "Neither do I
condemn you. Go, and sin no more."
     As the Master strode form the Temple courts, descending the
white cascade of steps, Judas crept to my side.
     Judas had never abandoned hope to win me, even though he
knew ... as who did not? ... that my heart was torn between two
deathless loves, and of late this hope had waxed in effrontery.
Now
he whispered:
     "Go after the woman, Mary. Jesus bids you go after her."
     "The Master said naught to me ... " I began, doubtful.
     "Go, or you will be too late. He wishes her brought back to
Him."
     "Go yourself, Judas."
     "Stubborn one! I will come with YOU. HurrY now. See, she is
swift."
     We followed the affrighted woman through the Golden Gate and
up the Bethany road. At last to a path so familiar ... so
familiar ... running through a vineyard to a Roman villa. Ah,
what
was this? The woman was on her way to my villa! My gate opened
and
took her in.
     "Judas," I gasped, "my house!"
     "I heard it had been sold." His voice was shallow and hard
as
metal.
     Sick to the heart that Novatus had sold my villa and Phyllis
was here in my stead, I all but ran to the entrance - too shaken
to
heed, or care, that Judas followed me not. Once more I stood at
my
door, "Salve" inscribed on the stones of its vestibule ... Salve!
     A slave admitted me into the atrium. and bade me be seated
by
the pool till she asked of her mistress if she would receive "one
who came from Jesus."
     By the pool again ... the worn pavement beneath me feet, the
columns standing about the myrtle-bordered basin, reflected in
the
clear water, the cupids at play on the walls ... the old
enclosure,
wrapping me about with the old spell. I sat in my own reclining
chair, Novatus' chair - vacant - beside me. Naught was changed.
We
might have been here but yesterday.
     Twice had the Lord summoned me from this spot, through His
messengers, Mary of ~ethany, John. The Lord had been stern
concerning this house of the little loves. Now I found myself led
back ... to a house empty for me, with Novatus gone from it.
Worse
than empty, aliens being here. I found myself led back ... sent
back
by the Lord, using me now for a messenger, to summon another
woman
away from love. Oh strange ... .
     The slave, re-appearing, bade me follow her. As in a dream I

+54

followed. We crossed the court to the rear wing in which were the
cubicula. Beyond the looped curtains at the central exit, between
the columns of the portico, I could see my blowing fountain,
silver
against the dark trees. And a sharp cry sprang from my heart for
Novatus, my beloved, and for a vanished delight. Till now I had
sat, I had walked with the spectre of my beloved. Now I demanded
of
God that I see him once more in the body.
     The slave led the way into my own bed-chamber, my scarlet
chamber opening on the evergreens of the garden.
     The woman lay on my couch ... while the masks, tragic and
comic,
stared from the red panels above her, and as I stood in the arch,
she looked up with beautiful eyes hardened against me.
     "You come from that great man who saved me from those
hypocrites? ~evils! They lied, falsely accused me. They had not
that proof they claimed. But ... who is He, that could shame
them?
Jesus of Nazareth, I know. But in reality, who is He?"
     I moved to her side and, sinking to a stool, gazed at her
long
and sadly, for all that was struggling within her I knew. Even in
my own breast at this moment such a struggle was set up.
     "You wish to know?" I said at last. "For to know is to lose
what peace you have, to barter it for a peace you know not ...
yet."
     "I guess what you would tell me. You believe Him to be
Messia~. But I tell you, I will not believe! He said, 'Go, and
sin
no more.' I will not have a Messiah who calls love 'sin'. Indeed,
we need Him not who know the perfect love of earth."
     At the head of the couch, thrown upon a chair, lay a man's
cloak. This she seized and devoured it with kisses.
     "Love is not sin," she cried, "love is not sin! Love never
divided the soul from God. Nay, hate alone does this."
     Wordless I gazed, my grief deepening. How poor a messenger
was
I! What had I to say to this sister ... I ... with passion asurge
in my
own heart, desire for my own beloved aflame in me again?
     A step. A heavy step. The curtains were drawn aside. And
Novatus himself stood before me - Novatus in the flesh, even as-I
had prayed to see him - glancing from Phyllis to me, from me to
Phyllis with dazed and unbelieving eyes.-
     There were prayers then that God answered with a jest!
     I drew my veil closer and moved to the door that led to my
garden. Novatus took a step toward me and I glimpsed an
outstretched hand. In the taut silence I could all but hear his
misery crying for me through his mute lips. Yet I gave no sign.
For, as I turned forever from him I had loved so long, though my
knees were shaking and my body weak, my heart was cold within me.
     "Love is not sin," Phylli