engagement HELP

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engagement HELP

Postby Audrey » Wed Dec 24, 2008 3:32 pm

So I am confused about the process from dating someone to getting engaged.
I was under the impression from my readings and talking to people that once we have talked about getting married and are sure that this is what we want, we are to ask consent next. Then upon recieving all the necessary consent, he will be free to offically propose with a ring. Once this proposal has been offically accepted, that is when we are engaged. However my father just told me that once him and my mother give me their consent and all 6 people have accepted that this marriage can happen THIS is when we are officially engaged.
MY boyfriend and I were not expecting this as he is not yet financially able to buy a ring and propose yet and in our eyes this is the offical engagement. It just made sense not to go about buying a ring when we don't have consent yet.
Since my boyfriend is western we do not have to wait the 95 days.
Can someone please try to help me with the right steps that are to take place.
Thank you so muchQ!

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Joined: Sat May 17, 2008 1:21 pm
Location: UK

Re: engagement HELP

Postby BritishBahai » Wed Dec 24, 2008 3:41 pm

SIX other people?!?! I have no idea where this person got that from...

To the best of my knowledge, this is what usually happens:
You and the guy talk about it or whatever
Then the 4 parents give their consent,
THEN that means that you are engaged (because you cant get engaged without their consent).

I have absolutely no idea where these others fit into the equation.
Perhaps he is getting confused with the following:
At the end of the day or in total, there will be 6 people who have eventually become involved:
4 parents
2 witnesses:

Here's a breakdown:
1- Man's mother
2- Man's father
3- Lady's mother
4- Lady's father
5- Witness # 1 (Required at the wedding ceremony)
6- Witness # 2 (Required at the wedding ceremony)

Obviously I need to back myself up with quotes, but im just replying because I saw you're online...
"I have desired only what Thou didst desire, and love only what Thou dost love"

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Location: Oz

Re: engagement HELP

Postby Truth » Wed Dec 24, 2008 6:21 pm

Do most Baha'is "propose" without a ring? I'd hate to buy a ring, propose and not get parental consent.
No need to ask in whose presence I stood, as I bowed myself before one who is the object of a devotion and love which kings might envy and emperors sigh for in vain!

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Re: engagement HELP

Postby emifinan » Sat Dec 27, 2008 1:05 am

BritishBahai wrote:SIX other people?!?! I have no idea where this person got that from...

Perhaps she has more than 4 parents.

I will be asking for consent from my mother, father, birthmother, and will likely have to try to contact my birthfather as well. Divorce could create this situation as well. Whether a "blood" parent or not, marriage still combines the two families and requires unity of all the individuals.

To the original poster : That's a good question, I would ask your LSA if you are unable to find an answer.

It seems to me that you could

1) Decide to get married. Obtain consent. Then he can formally propose with a ring and make it official.

2)Decide to get married. He formally proposes with a ring. Then you obtain consent.
Not sure if this is "allowed" as the engagement wouldn't be official without parental consent.

If you are in constant communication with your parents, consent shouldn't be difficult to obtain. Nor does it have to be a "big deal" on par with popping the question. So maybe, you are both talking to your parents, you all know each other, your parents approve, you decide you want to get married, you call your parents and ask consent, they give it to you, then the next night he takes you out and pops the question and gives you an engagement right.

Sean H.
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Joined: Thu Oct 16, 2008 9:25 pm

Re: engagement HELP

Postby Sean H. » Sat Dec 27, 2008 8:33 am

I would just like to point out that Baha'i marriage does not require a ring. Not saying that you shouldn't have a ring as I would probably like one myself some day. But just wanted to interject. :smile:

farhan Yazdani
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Joined: Thu Jan 15, 2009 4:27 am

Re: engagement HELP

Postby farhan Yazdani » Thu Jan 15, 2009 8:20 am

In my view, there is what we wish to do ideally, and what sometimes acutally happens. Sometimes plans break down at the last minute, and in a way, it is good to know that we can still change minds at the last minute.
In Europe, the 95 days are not applied, and sometimes people get engaged and wait till the parents give consent for marriage. The worth of a ring that can be resold, is nothing compared to years of family life, so the more flexible we keep things, the better.
Wish you much happiess!

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Joined: Wed Dec 31, 2003 12:12 pm

Re: engagement HELP

Postby brettz9 » Fri Jan 16, 2009 4:00 am

But living together, for example, before marriage, has shown in studies to lead to less successful marriages (that is already expressly forbidden). Being engaged for a long period lends itself to such a temptation (not to mention, having such a commitment needlessly shuts one out from choosing another if one has reason not to get married).

However, getting to know another person's character before a commitment is made is a different story, and that will always be encouraged--and indeed not being committed to another is the only objective way to get to assess their character without forging entanglements that are hard to break.

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