9 Rules for teaching Scientologists the Faith

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Posted by Hendrickson ( on January 24, 2002 at 01:40:48:

1. Make them feel right at home by hooking them up to a lie-detector and grilling them about whether they've betrayed the Covenant.

2. While acknowledging Scientology's well-known celebrities, point out some of the many distinguished Baha'is, like that guy who plays The Mummy in those Brendan Frasier movies.

3. Appeal to the science of statistics. Our books say seven million, theirs give them eight--equally reliable, to be sure, but shouldn't we put our money on the fastest-growing religion with the most "significant presence" in the most countries?

4. Commiserate with them on our common oppression by the German government, which keeps Scientologists from getting a security clearance, and made the Baha'is build the European house of worship in that ugly modern style.

5. When explaining governance of the Baha'i community, make clear to the Scientologist that one does not ascend first to the LSA, then to the NSA, and so on up to the UHJ by paying an ever-increasing scale of course fees.

6. Also be sure to point out that the UHJ is located in Israel, not on a ship in international waters. Volunteers are well-cared for, and never have their bodies thrown overboard in the middle of the night or anything like that.

7. Discuss the essential harmony between science, religion, and the crackpot esoteric beliefs of people like Aleister Crowley and Sheikh Ahmad-i-Ahsai.

8. Describe the ever-unfolding unity of humanity in terms of the "eight harmonics" from "What is Scientology?" and that same book's description of the harmony of world religions. Offer the inquirer the chance to see his Operating Thetan ascend through the countless realms of God, sailing across the Ocean of Names to do battle with our enemy Lord Xenu.

9. Remind the inquirer how many early Baha'i prophecies have become today's news headlines in certain American tabloids in which Scientology's celebrity representatives also frequently appear.

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