what should I do after my husband commit the adultery?

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the seeker

what should I do after my husband commit the adultery?

Postby the seeker » Mon Feb 28, 2005 5:19 pm

Pleaes any Bahai here, please help me with this test of mine!

I am a bahai, but my husband is not. After one year's marriage life, he committed adultery with another women in his city because we currently live in different cities. I LOVE him so much! this affair almost kills me! I don't know how to deal with him, and how to deal with the other woman. What he told me is that he did that because of loneliness, and he never thought of leaving me since we have been married. But how can I deal with our relationship? How can I trust him since he cheated me on this matter?

I should follow our Guardian's advice that I should try "a superman effort to preserve the marriage." but how to preserve it? How to restore our marriage to unity and trust? I could not find any teachings about how to deal with adultery specifically. There is a fine involved in this case in the Book of Law, and exposure. According to Abudu'baha, the exposure is the biggest punishment. But he is not a Bahai, so he is not confined by the punishment of fine, or exposure. How should I deal with this situation?

Please, help me with it!!

A depressed and worn-out Bahai woman

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Postby majnun » Mon Feb 28, 2005 5:58 pm

Simply to ease the situation and the discomfort
I suggest a private talk, on messenger.
or contact by email any person in here that you trust, to help.

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Postby Jonah » Mon Feb 28, 2005 6:26 pm

I second that. I think you need some Baha'is to talk with, not just quotations from the Writings.

I suggest you register to this Forum and provide us with an email address and/or Instant Messenger name. Keep it all anonymous, of course. If you don't have an anonymous email address, you can use this Forum's "private message" feature -- people can click on the "PM" button under your posting to send you an "email" which won't go to your own email address, but will be saved in your "private messages" area of this website. If you register and give your email address, you'll then receive an email notification when you get a new private message, but no one will know what your email address is.

And for what it's worth, I'm sorry to hear about your difficult situation, and my prayers are with you.

-Jonah (moderator)

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Postby Dawud » Mon Feb 28, 2005 7:39 pm

May I suggest marriage counseling? The therapist will typically want to talk to each of you individually, and also both together. Since both of you apparently want to stay married, you will stay married. But rebuilding trust is another matter.

If it helps, infidelity is a very, very common problem (50 % ?). It is possible to work through it, and ultimately make your marriage even stronger than before, if both of you are committed to doing what it takes. Besides obvious steps (like him stop sleeping with other women, or both of you thinking about how long you're going to live apart), a therapist will get you to think about underlying issues like, why did you marry each other? What do you want your lives to be like in the future?

It's actually good that you work through these issues early in your marriage, and nip this infidelity in the bud. He needs to understand that your mutual happiness depends on your mutual self-control (and not just on your never finding out).

the seeker
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Thanks for the help

Postby the seeker » Mon Feb 28, 2005 8:22 pm

Thanks for the help! I have registered just now. PM is a good way to communicate. Thanks for your consideration.

I don't think they have had sex together, though he told me that he once hold her in pajamas in bed once. Well, they might have done that and he just didn't want me to know. To be honest, I really don't want to know. I would rather not knowing the reality if they really have done it.

I have decided to forgive him. but how to forgive? should I never mention this matter for ever? Will he commit it again if he think I am ok with this kind of affair? Should I talk with the woman directly? or should I keep it all to myself and between me and my husband?

when I found out the affair by chance, and demanded explanation for it, what he said is that he did it because he felt lonely, he won't leave me, and he would stay in the marriage. but he said the woman call him and contact him now and then. How much truth is there in his explanation? In this case, she is the distraction for his efforts to stay in the marriage. Should I talk directly with the woman? How will my husband feel if I go to the front and face this woman? He apparently doesn't like the idea, though.

One factor has to be considered: I and my husband still have to stay in different cities till maybe August, far way from each other. So there is about 5 months from today. The woman lives very close to him, same district of the same city. I am trying to move to his city in May, but that is not a guarantee.

I assume that there are many men here. Can you please tell me how men usually do in this situation? what action from the wife will be most appreciated and valued? what will keep a man in the marriage rather than drive him away from it?

I am in such a distress that the Bahai community is my home. I had wished I had married a Bahai who has the discipline and principle in life. That will be much easier for me!

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Postby Dawud » Tue Mar 01, 2005 6:27 am

Without drawing any conclusions about what your husband did or didn't do with the woman in her pajamas, you should know that most men instinctively view the women around them in terms of their sexual potential. (Whether we act on our desire is another story.) You can't change this short of gelding us or enrolling us in advanced yoga classes, it's just how men are.

Thus inspired, we frequently allow our "junior members" to determine the direction in which we shall go, if it looks like we can get away with it. It's not that he doesn't love you, it's just that he (maybe, probably) misbehaved. Now you have to help motivate him not to misbehave in the future.

(I'm afraid marrying a Baha'i wouldn't necessarily have spared you this experience. Infidelity is remarkably consistent across religious lines.)

The good news is, most men also believe in things like fairness and honesty, and feel guilty if we don't live up to them. You're in a good position right now to persuade him to come to marriage counseling, and commit himself to certain lifestyle changes. The key is to get him to open up about these things in a safe way, so he doesn't keep throwing up defenses. That's one of the things a therapist is trained to arrange.

Should you talk to the "other woman"? My gut says no. (What purpose would that serve?)

Should you open up to your husband with all your feelings? Yes, it's vital that you do--but you have to be careful. Lead with how much you love him, and would never leave him, but absolutely let him know that continuing "as is" is not an option. On the off-chance that he is innocent of everything, the fact that you have trust issues, and religious-difference issues on top of that, is reason enough to go to counseling.

If he loves you, he'll do what he has to do to make you happy.


Postby Guest » Wed Apr 06, 2005 2:20 am

May I humbly offer for your consideration the notions that:
It is not your fault that he is not faithful, nor is it your responsibility to change him.

We only have to feel ashamed of each our own actions, and we are only capable of (and thus only responsible for) each our own actions.

You have many many many choices of how to respond, what to do, how to treat him, how to allow him to treat you. I agree that consuling is a good idea, and that even if he isn't up to the idea, that you consider it for your own self, for getting some structure to help formulate your own sense of things and responses. But remember only you have to live with yourself, so weigh all opinions by your own sense of things, of who you are and who you want to be.

Also you can request the assistance of the nearest Local Spiritual Assembly. They may be able to help you. Of course many Local Spiritual Assemblies are still immature and might not be able to handle this situation adequately, but have faith that the World Order of Baha'u'llah has His Will running through it. You may get certain types of assistance from an Assembly that even the best marriage counseller wouldn't be able to give you.

Also you can seek assistance from your Baha'i Auxilliary Board Members, these souls are often some of the most wise and trustworthy among us.

But always remember, be ok with your own self, your own responses. Of course you can always attempt to change, and perhaps you should try to change in such a way as to do everything you can to preserve the marriage. But if you can't forgive him, then don't. If you can forgive him then do. Also remember that forgiveness does not mean acceptance. I can forgive an injury without dismissing the fact that I was hurt or that it was wrong for my attacker to hurt me. If you think such behavior is unacceptible, tell him that. The most important thing is that you remain completely truthful to your own self, and allow yourself to be completely truthful to him. He may not be truthful, but you can not change that, you are only in control of your own self.

However, it seems that when we are truthful and centered in our own self, those around us are compelled to respond in kind. In my own experience, tears will draw out tears, truth will draw out truth, love with draw out love... and in those cases where a soul has been so damaged as to respond with hate to love, and apathy to pain, and lies to truth, well, then there really isn't a relationship possible to begin with. We can hope of course that this is not the case with your husband, so that when you are truthful, completely and utterly truthful, he will respond truthfully as well.

And please please please do not even think about things like "What can I do to make him faithful?" You can't do anything. His own choices are his own. No one can make someone do anything he doesn't want to. Consider the martyrs of our beloved Faith, any one of them could have made the choice to save their life. Our choices belong to us alone. His as well as yours.

I wish you the most best of luck, and be assured that all of our prayers and hopes are with you in this difficult ordeal. It is so hard when those we love hurt us. Take solace in your love of God and Baha'u'llah and in Their Love for you! You can always retreat to the solace of communion through prayer and meditation when your own thoughts become frantic and overly distressful.



adultery is a normal humanity situation

Postby Guest » Fri Apr 22, 2005 4:51 pm

my personal opinion:

The true is maybe, regreting, you are so fragile to adultery as your husband, for just one reason: you're human! it's our nature

In my viewpoint, a way to help on fixing this situation is opening your relationship - better if it would be with him - maybe the problem is the monotony of the relationship, what a castity on a relationship undoubtly tends to be into

And by the way, this situation maybe doesn't mean the end of the relationship, but the start of a true loved relationship you never imagined before

This oppinion maybe is against the most ortodox viewpoint of Baha'is writings (and maybe offending some, which i hope not deep on my heart), but here what we are talking is about love, the true love, the intimate love and sex relationship for seeking nirvana, what is whole the maining point

The most important - talk with him, about what is he missing, about what is he seeking, about what you both don't know about relationship and want to reach, and share with all of us - this means love!


Thanks for all the love I received here!

Postby Guest » Tue Apr 26, 2005 3:39 pm

Dear friends,

Thank you so much for these messages. In the past several months, it was my worst time in my marriage life. I was kind of lost in the wirlwind of life. Now, I am back to track again, and I have to thank everyone that had reached out to help me!

Now my husband and I are having a wonderful relationship with each other. more love and understanding and deep communication and care about each other. it is really nice. I expressed my feelings and emotions fully to him, and I think he have got it. Meanwhile, he made me understand that none of us is a saint in this life, as we can easily be trapped in the tests of life without the guidance of light. I prayed a lot, a lot. Tablet of Ahmad helps me so much! it revived me, and draws me much closer to the court of holiness.

Thank Baha'u'llah!

I feel so lucky that I am a Bahai and I have the best guidance in my life.

I never went to see the marriage counsel. Whenever I felt down, I prayed. Prayer lifted me up, guided me, and led me and my husband out of the valley of darkness.

Thanks for all and everything!

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